It turns out I am TERRIFIED of success!

in #psychology7 years ago (edited)

I went from doing a job that was draining my life away to a lifestyle that I know I am gonna love, if I would just get over the sheer terror of it all. Kinda like this girl and this lion.

lion-3012515_960_720.jpg
(pixabay, creative commons)

As of this week, I'm a coach and mentor! I help people improve their communication, professional development, and their lives! I love this kind of work, I am thrilled to be doing it. I have experience doing this in the past as a community project creator, in the arts world, and through events and projects I have helped to create. And then I went to school to learn more about how to support community development through a mental health lense, and now I am coming through the other side, entering a new phase of my life.

When I am helping someone, I get excited about the possibilities, and I want to see their journey unfold. I am fueled by their small and large accomplishments, and I really love connecting and laughing with people along the way. In fact laughing and brainstorming with others is my fuel. Whether its making art and music together, or processing lifegoals. Laughing together is my manna.

But I am terrified! Because I am vulnerable too!

The powerful motivational icons out there, you know .. like Oprah or Ellen, or Brene freaking Brown... they allll talk about vulnerability. They say that's where growth is at. Thats where connection lives. Thats where the magic happens. And I am like YEAH ! YESSSSS! Coool ! LOVE . IT. Every time!

oprah.jpg

But its also where the BARF is, you guys.

Like yeah, I can be vulnerable. I do it a lot. Many of my posts on Steemit have been about me exposing my underbelly over here. Whether its my art, poetry, or blog posts like this. I keep standing up in front of you guys in a way that makes me feel pretty naked. I think maybe when I see Brene Brown up there talking about vulnerability I figure she already did it all. Like she did a bunch of vulnerability and now she is done. And perfect. And if I could only be like that too. A silly way to think, it turns out.

egg.jpg
(pixabay, creative commons)

Vulnerability is the egg that keeps cracking open.

I have a hard history. I have learned to protect myself and my son above all else. So I kind of have been split. The hippy side of me that loves everything and everyone, and the abused part of me that is looking over my shoulder, looking around the corners, and covering my tracks. A little bit way too much. So none of the goo was getting out. Like the good goo. My art, poetry, and my human potential has been hidden for years because of this. But then I found Steemit and you know how the rest goes! <3. But then I share something and get all vulnerable and then it turns out there is still some goo in there. And I can only get it out... with more vulnerability.

There's a fun vulnerability. It feels like this to me:

Butterflies in my stomach
Sweaty hands
Fear of posting/ sharing
Maybe a little thrilling once I finally click "post" or take a risk of some kind

Here is how the stupid kind feels. Usually hours or a day after a vulnerable thing happened:

Loss of appetite
Insomnia
COMPLETE AND UTTER INERTIA ( I have not posted in days since my Letter to my Son)
Tears
Processing
Busting through the inertia
Repeat.

The good news is...

I havent had a really bad full on PTSD episode in more than a year and a half. But in case you are wondering here is what those look like and maybe you can see why I live in total fear of them. Its why I am so uncomfortable getting out of my comfort zone. When I am anxious, I get more anxious because it could morph into:

Insomnia for days
Hypervigilance (I get overly concerned with overthinking details of everything, checking my doors to make sure they are locked more than once in a short time frame, and other repetitive fear based things)
Flashbacks ( I have experienced severe abuse and I will get lost in reliving memories in great detail or I will re-experience the emotions of the event with a blocked memory)
Inertia, dissociation
Sitting in my car for hours in a parking lot
Eventually crying for hours (semi manageable), or non stop crying for days (time to call the Dr).
I can lose days to this stuff.

Thankfully I have not gotten to any sort of extreme episode but lately I have been kind of vacillating in and out of what I call the Frozen Zone.

All these things are triggering me:

New computer (have to adapt to the new environment)
New jobs (yes 3 of them now)
New hair
New schedule
New friends
New communities
New creativity
New identity
New Awesomeness EVERYWHERE

So Rejoice! And Freak Out! For I Do Both!

"So how can someone who has experienced these negative effects possibly be a mentor to someone else? " That is the voice that always stops me in my tracks. Thats the voice that makes me want to get back in my shell. Thats the voice that makes me afraid to tell the same people that I am sharing my strengths with, that I have incredible weaknesses, too.

Weak People Do Cool Shit!

I know that people who have fallen down can get back up because I am one of those people.

This isn't some trite nonsense. Falling hurts, and it's usually not cute. Some jerks even kick you on the way down. And getting back up can take a long assed time. And sometimes you think people are going to help you up and they just disappear. But it's still possible to get up.

I know that people with huge barriers can achieve their goals because I do this all the time. And I mess up. And I try again. And again and again and again.

I know that people with no "credibility" whatsoever can be the most amazing teachers. I have been taught new dimensions of love by tiny children with severe issues.

In 2012 My life was saved by someone who most people might say was very unstable herself. What can be more dignified, and giving, and freaking smart as hell , than quickly finding a place that no one would know, and hiding me for a week in a very small town? She died suddenly last August (2017), pretty much exactly 5 years after she saved me. Someday I will tell you about her.

Someday when I am ready I will tell you the beautiful story of hiding in a basement with hundreds of spiders and sleeping in a tent on a bed below the painting of an artist I admire.

Someday I will explain how all the "sane" people disappeared when I told them the truth of my relationship, and only the "crazies" stood by me, believed me, or helped me in any way.

Someday I will describe my town. Oh, what a town.

I get it, but I dont!

My point here is that I already know this stuff intellectually: I know that vulnerability is strength. I know that a shitty history does not make you a shitty person. Or that a negative story does not cancel out a positive attitude!! And that I can still carry on with helping others even if sometimes I lay in my bed with the blankets over my head!

But for whatever reason, I am STILL terrified of the stigma.

I am hoping to change that by spelling it out. I am hoping to walk my own talk, and push on through.

I want to tell you. I want to share how my pain has lead to my triumph - and then how things don't just neatly end there like a self help article... its always a process.

But it is so hard. My body isnt as ready as I wish it were.

That deep unconscious mind wants to protect me. So I have symptoms after I share stuff.

So I will share little by little.

Sometimes with my art. Sometimes with my poems. And Sometimes by talking straight like I am now.

I hope some of you are helped or affirmed by it.

Because you are certainly helping me.

Remember to be gentle and kind to one another!

We never know what each other are going though.

Love,

Dflo

Alice 4.jpg
(Collaborative art piece I made with a dear friend)

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Thanks for writing so honestly and beautifully. Vulnerability and strength is the theme for this week on Steemit. Found so many women talking about it. I think it is hard for us not to expose ourselves here. We are writing out into the world and we don't know who our audience will be and somehow that makes us want to reveal ourselves. What you were writing about, being picked up and helped by people who are themselves vulnerable, strikes a big chord for me. Very often it's my unlucky in life friends ,that others have dismissed ,that will be the ones who are consistant with me and pull me out of my holes. You have answered your own question. You will be successful as a mentor and coach because you have some understanding and experience and therefore a lot less judgement and a lot more empathy.

Everybody has weaknesses all we can do is keep trying, Keep trying to improve and if we have the will power and the want and believe in ourselfs we can then make anything happen <3 don't give up. We got this :D

Thank you. Ever so much. <3

I feel what your saying I read your other artical it was really good about your son. Your strong at heart and your blessings are here keep your head up

Thank you :) doing my best!

Good to hear (: me too

This is a really beautiful post! I think one thing that helps me sometimes is realizing that there is no expectation on me that I will be the same person tomorrow that I was today. If today I am vulnerable, tomorrow I might be strong. I find a lot of ebb and flow and have been finding more and more ways to care for myself and be self-aware of the “ebb” process so that it doesn’t get me to stall. I get anxiety pretty easily (type A ovah here), so I have to moderate it or I have a hard time. Whomp.

This was an awesomely written article!
In my dealings with the psychiatry department at the V.A. hospital I've come across some interesting bits of information about PTSD patients, especially combat veterans with PTSD. They normally don't want to talk to anybody about what they went through, because they don't think anyone else can relate to their situation, except they will talk to other veterans who have been through similar situations. There's a common ground of understanding of shared experience. I think that common ground can be very powerful when it comes to helping other people who are struggling. It's harder to relate to someone's struggles when you haven't had those struggles, and it's easier to empathize with someone when you've been through it. I think you are going to be awesome at your new work!

Fantastic post and congrats on the new job. I too have just started a new job and this is a few years after accepting a new job and then having to leave due to abuse. I know the current new job wont be like the last one but I feel a bit vulnerable and fearful . The crux of your post which I liked a lot was" Weak People Do Cool Shit!" cause the inverse is "Arrogant People are boring!" cause they don't take any risks and push that comfort zone . I wish you all the courage and super human strength to get to this next phase and to enjoy your achievements.

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I'll catch up on some of your older posts. I think it's brave of you to post the "real" stuff here.

It's what matters.

Stay strong and keep posting when you feel like you can.

These immediate responses after I post are so helpful because I am already panicking a little. I am going to walk away from the computer, and take it easy for the night, but I appreciate that you took the time to say this right away. The most recent post before this might help explain more. Thank you. <3

This text resonates with me! It' beautiful and has a strong, courageous message! You're afraid, terrified, I get that. Many times I am too, many people are. But to share your stories, inspire people and guide them, it's an amazing and powerful accomplishment. I love your writing and hope to read more.
Cheering on

REALLY a great and clear explanation of everything you've been through related to this. I appreciate reading and it helped me understand and relate to parts of it.

Thanks for your help, and I'm glad I found you. I think we are pretty similar beings. I find it easier to help other people do well financially, and often feel like I don't want all that comes with success. Also loved the use of the term 'hyper vigilance' instead of obsession or compulsion, I think it is a true description of what is happening xox

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