Does Kindness Make a Person a "Magnet" for the Users and Abusers of Life?
My neighbor at work is a super nice and kind hearted person. She's one of those rare people who has a very high sense of ethics and integrity, always carries through on her promises... and is always ready to lend a helping hand or an open ear.
She has lived here for many years, and when her name pops up in conversations around town, what comes out tends to be nothing but positive.
In short, what I would call a "good person."
The Darker Side of Kindness?
Close-up of a Camellia bloom
Sadly, she also seems to be almost like a "magnet" for a steady stream of chaos mongering losers, users and abusers... who seem to take her good nature for granted, while offering little to nothing in return.
Now I'm not suggesting that we should go through life with a "score sheet," pretending that kindness should only be issued when kindness can be expected in return. That's not my point here.
This is about people, and what attracts what.
Healthy Personal Boundaries
Now, I'll be the first to admit that having healthy personal boundaries is very important, or people will take advantage of you.
And my neighbor does have pretty good boundaries... she just seems to have disproportionately many people poking at them.
So I found myself wondering whether it is actually a "thing" that certain types of people hone in on those who have naturally kind and helpful dispositions.
If we're not Conscious, we tend to form Unhealthy Alliances: An Experiment
I remember reading about a social psychology experiment in which about a thousand people-- all strangers to each other-- were all invited to attend a "lecture" in a great hall/auditorium of some kind.
Lavender in the sun
After the hall filled up, an announcement was made that the keynote speaker was "delayed" and people were "invited" to pair up in teams as advance preparation for a particular exercise that would take place once the lecture began. Attendees were also told they could "take their time" because it would work best if they paired up with someone they felt like they would get along with.
After a (deliberately timed) 90 minute delay, the lecture began... eventually a questionnaire was circulated, which included "implanted" specific questions about personality and preferences.
What was revealed was a strong tendency for complete strangers to "pair up" according to their "dysfucntions:" People who self-identified as a "givers" paired with people showing characteristics of "takers," "assertive" people pairing up with people self-identifying as "timid" and so on.
The experiment suggested that the old "opposites attract" saying contains significant truth.
Are We Just Bad at Choosing People?
Getting back to my neighbor, it seems to me she's representative of many of us-- we may be fairly intelligent and well-meaning, and even have good boundaries and such... but we haven't done the deeper personal work to fully understand why we make the choices we do.
Apricot blossoms in spring
Specifically... we tend to make a lot of choices in which we mix up when something "feels familiar and comfortable" with something that's actually right and good for us... because we're still plugged into old habits that may not have worked for us.
I do believe my neighbor is essentially "OK," but she's also a little naive, in that part of her "kindness persona" includes that she just doesn't see other people as potentially wanting to take advantage of her. And that can end up working out to her detriment.
On a greater scale, however, it also seems that part of her predicament is the result of how others see her... those who (not necessarily maliciously) look for help and feel like others need to support them through life see a potential "target" in her. Which is probably natural. If you think about it... if you need your car repaired, your focus will be on mechanics, not carpenters.
What do YOU think? Do you know anyone who seems "too nice for their own good?" Does it seem like people take advantage of their kindness? Do you feel they make bad choices in people? Alternately, do YOU relate to my neighbor's story? Do you think kind and giving people are more likely to attract those who feel more "entitled," regardless of whether they have good boundaries, or not? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
(As per usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Posted 20170708 09:41 PDT
You are SPOT ON! This issue has been a theme in my life for the past couple of years. I met a friend who literally showed me all thw ways people were taking advantage of me. It has changed me significantly. I grapple with how to be kind AND watch carefully for ulterior motives at the same time. It seems most people have an agenda, but if you are an upfront person yourself, it is very difficult to recognize their agendas.
My friend was able to help me after living through a few terrible situations caused directly from being kind herself. Where to from here? I'm not sure, but kind naive people are definitely prey. Sadly.
@onetree, you're already on your way to a better relationship with yourself because now you have knowledge... you know and understand something about your own habits and processes... and that's a large and important step towards healing.
A lot of people DO have agendas. I've always tended to take people pretty much at face value, and sometimes that has been to my detriment... not so much, anymore. Nothing wrong with being discerning, and giving what you give only to people you feel are deserving.
Thank you, that is a VERY good point. :)
Reading this excellent article brings two things to mind. Recently I've been trying to watch as many of Jordan Peterson's lectures on Psychology on YouTube, and he has mentioned this issue. He talks about good and evil archetypes and how we function best having some balance. All good, and we get taken advantage of. All bad and we're selfish bullies.
I've been interested in social cooperation for years and loved the groundbreaking book by Robert Axelrod on the Evolution of Cooperation
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Evolution_of_Cooperation
He used computer simulations of interacting agents to figure out how people could get along with others when the rational thing is to be selfish. Turns out, the best strategy is to be good and cooperative when you first meet someone, but if they are bad to you in return, you should be bad to them in response.
Of course good and bad are relative to the context. And its even better to be forgiving to a degree because of the imperfect communication channel between people. Someone might be trying to be good but the other person perceives their action as bad. So rather than respond bad after the first bad action against you, maybe give a second chance.
But now we come back to the old rule of thumb, three strikes and you're out. If someone is not cooperating on three successive encounters, might be time to get out of the relationship if possible. Personally, I'm a two strikes guy. I'm not prone to giving bad actors a third chance to adversely affect me!
So those are my random thoughts on your thought provoking essay. Thanks for posting it!
@kenny-crane, thanks for your "random thoughts!"
The experiment you're describing reminds me of the old "tit-for-tat" algorithm... it can never lose; your first play is always to be "good," and every subsequent play you simply match what other player does. No matter what sequence is played, you will always be "one good" ahead.
As for how many "strikes" to give people... what's that old saying? "Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me."
I enjoyed the article for the perspective given. As I was reading, I was actively thinking in the context of skills.
For example, the good person has the skills needed to care for oneself and to help others. It is hard to say from the example whether or not the good person is entirely aware that someone is taking advantage of her. But if she has good boundaries, she may not be concerned with motivation on the part of others.
As to those who would take advantage of her, I don't see them in terms of good and bad. I just see them in terms of skills. A person willing to take advantage of another may not have the skills to get their needs met without deception or manipulation.
The good person in this example can then demonstrate that skill as a good samaritan, and can do so without excessive expense on her part with good boundaries. At least, thaat is my hope.
@digitalfirehose, good point and well taken.
Skills and giving/helping definitely can walk hand in hand. When I have some skill set that is of help and service to others, I'm typically quite free with sharing.
The situations I am more specifically examining here is when "Bob" helps "Joe" by mowing his lawn... and then Joe ends up feeling entitled to free moving from Bob while he sits around and drinks beer, purely because "that's less hassle than moving the grass myself." From my vantage point, the only "skill" involved there lies in manipulating Bob (who's kind natured) into mowing the lawn, possibly with a fake sob story for why he needs help.
Appreciate the thoughtful comment!
It's absolutely true... But it doesn't matter. Doing the right thing is its own reward (I didn't make that up). What we are ultimately judged on is how we've lived our lives. It's better to be a target for users than a user. They too shall be judged.
@richq11, I'm totally onboard with that... for me, doing the right thing is its own reward. However, boundaries come into play when someone keeps returning in expectation of "free favors." I like to give freely... but I draw the line at when I start feeling used.
You're right... the way I see it, to keep giving to people who keep expecting it doesn't help either one of you. It's counterproductive and not really the right thing. Helping someone in need that wants to help themselves (and there's no shortage there) is fine. But not the same people over and over.
A good topic to look at is Codependency and those dealing with Narcissistic/Borderline or any Cluster B personality types. As someone who has Codependency issues I can relate to this a lot.
Yes, there are personality types that will take advantage in every way they can with none of the hesitation that would normally be present, and for these "chronically nice" people, all of the service adn altruism is like throwing buckets of water into the Grand Canyon.
I think even in modern days, we need our "tribe." If one has some friends that know your weak spots and don't have those particular weak spots, then they can tell the "nice" person when they are being taken advantage of.
It's definitely good to have friends who are willing to look out for you... and are willing to authentically point out when you are letting yourself get used by someone unscrupulous.
I guess I mean it in a "wisdom of the crowd" sort of sense. My hypothetical friend, who is a cynic about human nature 100% of the time, will be wrong sometimes. If I am optimistic 100% of the time, then there are times when I will really need his outlook.
We might butt heads sometimes, but we can definitely improve each other's lives. Easier said than done, right? Finding the kinds of friends where we can complement each other and have room to seriously disagree without some huge impact on the friendship is not a trivial task.
I feel blessed to have such people in my life.
But now going far afield of the original discussion... This is why I distrust the archetype of the self-made man and the modern prepper types who are preparing to do it all alone.
Since we were cavemen, human survival has used cooperative strategies where people of different but complementary skillsets improved the overall survival chances of everyone around them.
The prepper is preparing for some "survive alone" situation that has rarely worked in human history. The self-made man is basically forgetting the work of all the "plebes" that made it possible. Neither of these points is meant to diminish either the idea of autonomy nor the entrepreneurial merits of the "self-made man!"
Okay... Apologies... Rant finished! ;-p
Yes, codependency definitely can play into interpersonal dynamics like this... and sometimes I think my neighbor does tend to have leanings towards "needing to be needed."
I would love to receive the compliment of one of those rare people who has a very high sense of ethics and integrity, without the downside of being naive to peoples malicious intention. Is it possible to learn boundaries? I agree with your statement and identify to it a little too much.
Oh, it's absolutely possible to learn goo boundary setting... and you have to start with being willing to examine what other people's motivations are, rather than just assuming everyone can be taken at face value. Listen.. but be skeptical. And when someone "shows you" who they are, accept that as true... rather than ignoring your intuition.
"Too good" people are not because they have bad boundaries. They just want to constantly feel their need and importance for others.
I think that may be true for those who are psychologically unhealthy... some people are are just authentically kind and helpful by nature... for them it is simply the right way to conduct yourself in life.
Yes unfortunately some people dont know when to say no. I love good people but bad people also love good people because they can use them.
Yes, and sometimes it does seem like "good" people are particularly attractive to "bad" people, sadly.
Amazing write up. i totally agree that doing the right thing has it's own reward but the thought of being used never leaves one in a good place, drawing the line in a polite manner won't be a bad idea.
I think for some people it takes a while to even figure out that they are being used.
Very true.
I gravitated to your article because I am trying to develop more kindness in myself. Last week I chose to spend the day with a dear friend who had lost her 34 year old daughter June 30 a year ago. It was an act of kindness on my part. I didn't want her to spend that day alone, because children just shouldn't die before their parents, and I knew her heart was breaking.
This friend is just as you describe. She does attract people who feel entitled. She is trying to find ways to change that, and trying to have better boundaries.
As I love her and want to support her, I was willing to spend the day, but not willing to go spend 3 days, because she needs more than I can give at the moment, so I set the boundary to take care of myself.
This business of being in human relationships is so complex. We are such a combination of so much. I am kind, and I have the capacity to be cruel. I have a good heart, but if I feel like I am being used, I get very cranky. Just yesterday I was asked to pet-sit for a 4 month old puppy, and I did not clarify what I expected in return, and I was mad at myself, because I felt taken advantage of. This particular puppy needs an enormous amount of supervision.
When I am not clear with my self and with the other person, I can get crabby, until I get the emotional residue inside of me cleared up. That takes time, consciousness, the willingness to look at one's dark and light side without judgement, the desire to make good choices out of all that mix and try to do it better next time. My biggest challenge these days is how to love the nature of being human, in my own self, and in the human race. Its slow progress, I tell you, but worth going for the gold, because I also believe that we all have the capacity to also be sublime.