A lot of people dismiss anger as "bad;" a negative and destructive emotion. When someone gets angry, they shy away and start mumbling about "anger management," and often avoid engaging.

For the longest time, my father (whom, in retrospect, was a bit of a rage-aholic) was my model for anger... a model that involved thunderous roars at the top of his lungs, the flinging of objects and occasionally the destruction of furniture. 

A lot of other people embrace anger, saying it's "a natural part of being human." I have even met couples who claimed they would lose interest in their relationship if they didn't "have a good fight 3-4 times a week."

But what is anger, really? 

Regardless of whether we fall on the "good" or "bad" side of the equation-- or whether those descriptors are even relevant-- what does anger teach us?

As best I can tell, anger is simply the body's "alert system" to let us know that something is happening that is significantly out of alignment with how we were hoping/planning the outcome of a situation to be. When we feel anger, it is usually because some kind of inner boundary has been overstepped... and we suddenly realize that this is NOT what we want.

There is little doubt that unchecked explosive unfocused anger can be very destructive. And to a young child like I was... also very frightening.

One of the things I learned from my father's anger was the difference between fear and respect. 

He always defended his volatile temper by pointing out that people "respected him." I was pretty observant... and what I saw in those around him was not respect... but fear. 

The Positive Side of Anger

I avoided anger for many years, often sidestepping and avoiding detrimental situations in which feeling-- and expressing-- anger would have been well justified. But I just didn't want anything to do with been even slightly like the explosive out-of-control volcano I grew up with.

It took me a lot of serious self-inquiry-- and some years in psychotherapy-- to learn that anger didn't have to "look like" screaming at the top of your lungs and throwing chairs at the wall. 

In its positive expression, anger is merely a "call to action;" a message that we need to step up and do something to remedy a situation that is not how we want it to be; something that has overstepped boundaries that should not be crossed. But action doesn't have to mean "a violent outburst," as many of those who are conflict avoidant seem to believe it "has to" be. 

Anger can simply be channeled and expressed as action and determination, without harming others in the process.

There is no need to throw stuff, or break chairs over people's heads!

I would be exaggerating if I claimed that I have made anger my "friend." But at least we're not enemies anymore, and I have learned to pause and listen, when I feel things come towards a boil, inside me.

How about YOU? How is your relationship with anger? Do you have a short temper, or do you tend to bottle things up, inside? Do you have ways to constructively channel your anger, and use it to make changes? Or does anger feel more like "shouting into the wind?" Leave a comment and share your experience-- start the dialogue!

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