Steps I'm Taking to Live Happier - You Can Have a Happy Life, It's Up to You - My Recent Epiphanies & Being at Peace With Myself

Many people, myself included (at times) meander through life, expecting happiness as almost an "after effect" of simply being alive.

Sorry to break it to you, but there's more to it than that. I recently have had a couple epiphanies following a health crisis and resultant hospitalization. Basically, I completely lost consciousness twice with what the docs are thinking is caused by vasovagal seizures. I have amnesia directly leading to it and after event. In fact the second one I had no idea it happened and wondered why my head was bloody. By that time I had been taken off the work premises and was in the hospital. Two back to back fainting episodes with seizure like activity and no solid answers yet.

I've never really dealt with health issues that caused repeated loss of consciousness, especially amnesia. It was followed by a short-ish period of extreme depression.... not unusual for me though, due to having major depressive disorder.

But then.....all the neurons fired up and I had a few things that I can only describe as epiphanies.

1. Yes, I do think it's possible to enjoy a happy life. For me, I am starting to feel more happy by simply realizing I have a plethora of things to be THANKFUL for. I have the intelligence that allowed me to attain 2 college degrees that has enabled me to live on my own and support myself independently ever since I was 24 (now 30.)

I know for a fact that many people assume that those who had the "chance" to get their education of choice just must've had the silver spoon or some advantages. Not true.

I learned my dear friend @lauralemons thought that about me. Though I do and always will consider her close to my heart, she and others have NO idea how hard it was for me. I'm a tough f*cking cookie. I've always struggled with MDD, GAD, and PTSD. Despite that, I worked three jobs and made it through school. I do NOT "come from money", let me make that abundantly clear.

Laura Lemons, a VERY talented artist always said anyone can draw, they just have to practice, she was right. For the longest time, I always said you either had the talent or you didn't. Since I don't consider myself a hot shot traditional artist and LAURA didn't see herself as anything special because of her SEVERE depression, health conditions, and PTSD it was somewhat a source of contention between us.

We were talking of being thankful, otherwise I'm thankful for the cat Laura left me and my own two lovely fur babies.

I'm thankful for a roof over my head, a car, relatively good health, my boyfriend, a couple close friends, and my family even though they are DYSFUNCTIONAL as can be.

1. Relinquishing GUILT - Yup, that's right. I am not going to carry unnecessary guilt on my shoulders anymore.

I carried guilt about Laura's death as many did but hopefully don't anymore. She and I had an argument a few months before she killed herself. I was giving her some time over last summer to attain sobriety before attempting to mend our relationship. Never got the chance.

I was happy to see she kept some special, personal keepsakes I had given her which meant she didn't hold me in too negative of a light.

If you ever experience loss through suicide, know that suicide is NOT an affliction. It is an extremely personal CHOICE & above all else it is NOT YOUR FAULT or anyone's fault, not even the abuser if applicable.

As many of you know, I myself have PTSD. I have confronted all my abusers, it helped. I still have PTSD and MDD. There's no magical cure. I have had suicidal IDEATIONS before. That is simply when one almost fantasizes about suicide but makes no attempts. If I committed suicide, it would be no one's fault.

I DON'T PLAN TO!! Simply being honest about the ideations.

I had extreme guilt over leaving my ex husband because of the $4000 ring he "bought me" with & the fact that he was a "good guy" that I couldn't give children too. There's no "wouldn't", I can't have kids with my mental disabilities. I won't put a child through that. You either respect my choices or not. I know my limitations and it's been argued that I must not since I didn't "try" parenthood. How RIDICULOUS!! I am not willing to f*ck up a kid's life because of my mental illnesses.

My ex always knew I didn't want kids or was at best on a VERY rickety fence about it. I figured since he knew he acknowledged and respected it. Well, after 5 years, he didn't. So I left him. I wish him the very best in life and hope it all works out swimmingly for him (seriously!)

I actually harbor no ill resentment towards him or Laura or the plethora of others who've let me down or in some way hurt me. Often times to make sense of it all, we blame ourselves. It's a common victim mentality. If someone hurt you, confront them when you SAFELY can. You are ALLOWED to feel hurt by it for as long as you need.

It's not okay to carry guilt on your shoulders for things that in all LOGICAL reality aren't your fault.

It's not my fault I had an abusive father.
It's not my fault my best friend and her Dad died in a car wreck in 2003.
It's not my fault another once very close friend crashed with me as she was homeless and then proceeded to take advantage of me at every turn.
It's not my fault I couldn't give but ex kids.
It's not my fault Laura chose to end her life.

1. Home is where the HEART is. I have decided this jointly with my boyfriend actually. In 6 months, we are relocating. Minnesota is not where my heart is. However, during the remainder of my time here, I will enjoy the place while I am here.

I'm convicted that life is to be enjoyed so therefore I will enjoy it! I would love to hear any thoughts in the comments section below. Thanks for reading!

https://discord.gg/Zxcqqf
EXCEPT for cat photos & banner, other images courtesy of pixabay