How norms & values define us as a person, and how they may change while learning life lessons

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Differences in norms and values

Everybody grows up differently, your childhood will be the basic of how you grow up to be in life. The people in your life as a child will set the standards for you to have certain norms and values. These people don't have to necessarily be your parents, as you may grow up spending a lot of time with your grandparents, or other family members. The people you look up to the most, will be the people you learn from the most. Their levels of respect to others, and their values will reflect on you as a person, but you will probably not know this until you are a grown up. At least most of these things will be taken for granted as you will find them normal, because they are part of your "life standards" , and most children will not think about the why growing up.

'Norm' refers to attitudes and behaviors that are considered normal, typical or average within that group. All societies have cultural norms. Even though norms influence every facet of our lives, including what we value, our attitudes, and how we behave, we are often unaware that we are influenced at all.

The last sentence is what I meant in the paragraph before, we are unaware most of the times. Many people get stuck in certain patterns and behaviors without be willing to self reflect to change the bad habits. Especially when you consider your behavior normal, as you were brought up that way.

Three different types of values:

Personal values: values endorsed by an individual. For example, some people regard family as their most important values, and structure their lives so that they can spend more time with their family. Other people might value success instead, and give less time to their families in order to achieve their goals.

Moral values: values that help determine what is morally right or wrong, e.g. freedom, fairness, equality, etc, well-being. Those which are used to evaluate social institutions are sometimes also known as political values.

Aesthetic values: values associated with the evaluation of artwork or beauty.

I grew up spending a lot of time with my grandparents and they were my role models

My mother was a single mother, and had to work to pay the bills like any other person does. She did not receive any child support or anything like that. The only support she got, was from family members helping her out when there was a financial crisis, or to take care of me after school when she had to work. She worked a lot of different hours because of her job, and I actually spent more time with my grandparents growing up, than with my mother.
And I can honestly say that I had lots more respect for my grandparents than my mother, as me and my mother weren't close at all. I learned to appreciate her more later in life, but while growing up my grandparents were my role models and the people I looked up to.

Growing up and becoming an adult myself, I learned that some moral values of my grandparents were totally different than mine. But that didn't mean that I looked up to them less, or that I respected them less than I did before. Not at all, you have to be able to respect each others norms and values, and still be able to communicate in a normal way. If you tell another person that you respect their beliefs, but have different ones yourself, this should be ok. But if you tell another person that he/she is stupid to believe in something to be a normal value in life, you may not get the respect you want. Because then people tend to argue about these things, and are not open to other people's opinions. That's a shame, if you really disagree with certain norms and values, it may be best to keep this to yourself, if you don't want to hurt the other person.

Forcing our own norms and values to others

Sometimes you don't realize that you are forcing your own norms and values to other people, because it's normal to you. But that doesn't mean its normal to others. When people keep telling you that you are rude, maybe it's time to do some self reflection. That doesn't hurt, and may give you great insights too.
If I look back in my own life, I believe I have forced my own (mainly personal) values to other people. I was a bit of a rebel when I had the freedom to take charge of my own life and how I wanted to live it. And I may have been a bit too rebellious when it comes to that part. I did not see it that way back then, but by doing a bit of self reflection, I found out that I may have been a bit overreacting to certain people back then. To me being rebellious was normal during that stage in my life, I was a teenager and had enough of certain norms and values in the family that obligated me to act a certain way. But now I know that I may have crossed some lines back then, that could have been avoided. I could have respectfully explained that I don't stand for these norms and values any longer, and that I wish to act by my own personal beliefs. Because people change in life, and it's all part of your life lessons.

One of the most important things to me when it comes to norms and values

Is that they can change when you are growing in life, and when you are becoming a better person because of your life lessons, you will easily adapt your norms and values that fit your beliefs at the present. It doesn't matter what I found normal in the past, as it were all life lessons I have learned. From every single mistake I made in the past, I've learned a lesson. Maybe not immediately, but in the end, things were meant to be that way and with those mistakes along the road. I am much more relaxed and calm at this moment in my life when it comes to bumps on the road. Where I used to panic right away when receiving very bad news, or something that messed up the path I was on, I am still affected by this now when receiving the news. It may even take me some hours or a day to process it, but I see a huge difference after when it's processed comparing it to the past. I now try to think out of the box, and if possible turn negative things into positive things. While focussing on the positive side of a problem, you are far more creative to seek ways to overcome problems and find answers to your questions. This to me may be one of the most valuable lessons that I've learned from the many bumpy rides I've been on in life! It is a gift to me.

It's important to accept it when people give you constructive criticism

In the past I used to go right into defense when this happened to me. How dare you? Who do you think you are to tell me this ? Are some of the examples that may have come out of my mouth in the past. But I've learned that when someone takes the time and makes an effort to give you constructive criticism in an objective way, you can learn so much from this. People don't make the effort to do so, If they want to harm you, why would they make that time for you to explain something if they had bad intentions? Most likely they hope you will learn a lesson that will make you feel better about something. If they were criticizing you only to hurt your feelings, they would never take the time to make the critique constructive. Only people that have empathy and people that care about you will hold you a mirror to let you come to certain insights to change for the better. Embrace those people, and embrace those moments instead of getting angry. Embrace those moments that may include valuable life lessons for you to become a better person.

What are your thoughts on these matters described above?