we're all on the same boat

we're all on the same boat

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the pursuit of happiness has never been easy. everyday, things fall apart, relationships break down, loved ones die. but that doesn't mean we should give up. in fact, when such "tragedies" occur, we should man up, be brave to face the challenges, and conquer our fears and obstacles. we need to get our shit together.

everybody has unresolved conflicts.
tonight i was on the verge of tearing up,
because i realize i'm alone.
of course, i'm not alone in the conventional sense.
i have friends, family (albeit a rather unconventional one) and a loving partner.
but i feel that i don't really have an identity.
i don't come from anywhere because where i come from is no longer a part of me.
i've changed so much throughout these years.
always jumping from one point to another, i wonder if there's a reason behind that.
i don't have any affiliation that i long to be a part of.
i'm happy just being myself (note how i said alone and not lonely),
traveling around the world, still seeking a place that i can call home.

i don't really let people into my world.
i know you're protesting against that statement as you probably "believe" that i'm the most open person in this universe.
truth is, i put everything out there, so no one could hurt me,
as i make it impossible to hurt me.
it's hard to understand but try this:

there's a metal cup. it used to only take water.
one day, water decided to burn the cup by heating itself up.
the cup got burned, and dumped the water away.
over and over again, the cup trusted the water,
and got burned continuously.
one day, the cup told herself, i won't let water burn me, ever again.
so she changed into plastic, leaving the metal outfit behind.
now, she still takes water.
and coke. and juice. and champagne.
because why take water only, when there are so many different types of liquid out there.
experiment, learn, and explore.
except now, if any of the liquid decides to heat itself up,
it won't burn the cup anymore, because it doesn't even transfer heat in the first place.

someone once told me, you can only be disposed of if you make yourself disposable.
the lesson learnt here is that you need to have your own beliefs, values and principles.
if someone challenges them, tell them about it.
if they still continue to challenge them, then leave.
because you're not there to be walked on, pissed on, shit on.
you're there because you care.
and if they don't care, as hard as it is to leave them,
the best thing to do is leave.
because you are not disposable.
you have your own core. your own voice.
you need to be heard too.
and someone out there will hear you.
then you'll know if it's all meant to be...

we are just two strangers, warming up too quickly.
i'm afraid we'll burn out, i'm afraid we'll become too complacent.
we are in such a good place, safe and lovely.
but if anybody knows me well, it won't be safe and lovely for long.
i somehow, always end up screwing things up.
i'm so scared that i'll screw this up.
in fact, i'm scared to even admit that i'm scared to screw this up.
because by admitting that i'm scared, means that i care.
and when i care, i no longer wear the plastic outfit.
i've changed into the metal jacket again.

this seems to be the constant conflict that i battle with everyday.
i'm not sure how i should act, as i haven't been in this situation for a while now.
but then again, i think that i think too much sometimes.
i analyze every single moment, never letting one go by unnoticed.
perhaps it's my heightened sense of my surrounding,
that has led me to this grave.
i simply care too much.
but the worse thing is, i try to act like i don't care.
i don't think i'll ever be able to ditch my metal jacket.
it means too much to me.

i can't wait for christmas and new year and snow and skiing.
it's my favorite holiday. the energy around this time around the world,
is simply inevitable and prevailing.
everyone tries to return to their families and reconcile.
the ambiance is peaceful and giving.
there is laughter, there is love.
the cold weather only makes us that much warmer towards each other.
let's gather around the fireplace and drink some hot chocolate.
grill those marshmallows, and sing some carols.
because i believe that the world will become a better place.