I would apologize for my long hiatus, but it was something needed in my life to do some deep seated healing. It was spent ending relationships that no longer served me or the direction my life was intended to go and it was hypocritical of me to try to offer a safe space to heal with me when I was allowing demons and forces into my life that were dragging my vibrations through mud and muck. Time has been good to me and my mental state and awareness of what I was allowing in my personal and business life. I retreated back from those things and found myself in a simple place with a simple truth. I found myself being led by the Universe and watched as bountiful gifts fell into my lap in the perfect sequence that they needed to. I found a soul who not only tolerated my baggage, but stopped and helped me unpack it, looking at every single piece as a treasure instead of trash. Every day I'm growing and learning to heal and love myself, and this amazing partner I have been given to share this incredible journey with.
Being allowed by the Divine Goddess to bridge a life over into this plane is probably one of the greatest tasks I could have ever been given; if not the most daunting. It still amazes me almost seven months into this transformative journey as a pregnant woman that the love I have for this beautiful soul in my life could create a life. Every day of this time is a gift and I try not to take a second of it for granted, but let's be honest; even with the amount of gratitude I feel in my heart for this task, and the amount of gratitude I feel for the man who bestowed this gift upon me, I still know that this will be the hardest but most important thing I will ever do with my life. Some days it feels like the biggest honor in the world, and I know this to be true in my heart, but other days I feel the immense weight of it. I think most women bestowed with the task from the Grand Mother feel this weight and all the worries that come with it. After all with the state of affairs on our beautiful Gaia right now, how could we not? Raising warriors of Gaia is now more imperative as ever as this beautiful place we call home is in danger of being lost and destroyed. That is a lot of pressure on mothers to make sure we are raising more emotionally and intuitively entuned sons and daughters who will fight for all that is right.
I had this image in my head; an image of who I wanted to be before I became with child. I had this 'perfect' me in my head that I wanted to be before I brought a child into this world so that I could raise them to be the most conscious children I could. Unfortunately for me I did not achieve those goals and precursors in time and I feel the weight of that every day. As the day grows nearer to when my son will bridge the plane here, I cannot help but feel the gravity and unease of 'not being prepared' to raise the best human I can. I imagine that every new mother suffers with these heavy weights on them, and my heart bleeds for them. The most important things for me is to instill values of love, acceptance, tolerance, health, empathy, consciousness, and progressiveness in him. This is a tall order, and I'm sure sometimes I will stumble, but I will rise everyday and give my best all over again.
Sometimes, life doesn't care about our plans. It doesn't care about our own timelines or landmarks we feel like we need to reach. I'm a firm believer that destiny lines manifest exactly when they are needed, not when we think we need them but when the Universe deems them necessary. I believe that my son was created exactly when he needed to be, and I never question that. Everyday I watch as my body swells and changes, preparing for the life about to enter this world, and although I cannot wait to meet my son I'm basking in this moment that hangs suspended in time as I try to surround myself with the gratitude that this time has created. It isn't always rainbows and butterflies sometimes, and sometimes I feel like a straight mess. My emotional wavelengths and Spirit has been in a constant ebb and flow these last seven months and I have felt some of the highest highs, but also the lowest lows. Some days I feel surrounded by the love me and my partner have created, and I wrap it around me, a warm familiar embrace and I feel so safe and tranquil. Other days I am in a constant state of worry, fear, and feeling completely alone in this journey happening to me.
To know that I am just a couple short months away from everything in my life changing is enough to send me into a whirlwind of chaotic emotions, thought patterns, and headspace. Every day I question if I am ready to do this; if my Spirit is strong enough to handle this path laid in front of me. I don't believe the Divine Mother would have tasked me with this if she didn't believe I was worthy, but some days it is hard for me to feel worthy. I feel like I am going to mess up more than I will get things right, and I know I should get rid of this 'perfect motherhood' ideal that I have created in my head. More days than not I feel like I am setting myself up to fail with the impossible bar I have set for myself. I do know that as long as I have my partner with me and we do this together we cannot fail. He keeps me strong even on the worst days, grounds me like no other, and always supports and loves me regardless of just how unlovable I am being. He is truly my rock and I know without a doubt he will be a great father. I cannot wait to see his journey just as much as mine. He is my strength when I feel weak, and I know I can do all of this with him by my side. I'm so excited for us to guide each other on this new and exciting journey that we are soon to embark on; I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
