I'm just dancing my sweet bony ass off. None of you had a fucking clue did you...?

It's been a little while since I had the time to write any of my thoughts down here. I mean, it's been non-fucking stop what with zipping back and forth to Brussels for dinner with that moon-faced cocksucking kiddie fiddler Jean-Claude Junker, as well as dealing with all the shit back home....but enough about my husband Philip.

Today, I've had a bit of a relax for the first time in months. Why might you ask?

Because the plan is going swimmingly.

Let me elaborate. Whilst everybody thinks I'm fucked, with a third of my own party trying (and failing) to pass a vote of no-confidence in me and me coming to the commons the other day to say I was going to take the vote on my Brexit bill off the table, you might well think this has been a bit of a hellish time for me. But nothing could be further than the truth.

Basically, I made a deal with the EU Herod's to completely fuck over Brexit, and make the entire population of Britain feel like a right bunch of useless wankers, so that they would simply accept their lot as serfs, and obey their masters in the European superstate...and in return, I get paid a fucking shitload of lovely cash.

And that's exactly what I've done.....

Because I've managed to get us into exactly the right place, and I'm going to get one fuck of a pay-day bonus for what I've done. I'd like to say I've done it for the country, but to be honest, it was basically just about getting a bit of a boost to the pension pot. I honestly couldn't give a fuck about you lot, you're basically all a bunch of bottom-feeding brain-cripples with absolutely sweet knackers all about you.

The plan was to do one thing.... stop Brexit, and make sure the country never leaves the European Union. And look what I've managed to do.

I've basically I played you all, like Nigel Kennedy fiddling with his kids.

I put together a deal that nobody wants... Except for the EU leadership, because it means the UK is still in the UK.

And as a result, the MP's can't back it.....So they have to reject it. Which means that either the UK crashes out in March, like a wimpy 9 stone computer nerd turning up on a blind date dressed as a clown, carrying a trombone, and being repeated legfucked by a horny Jack Russell.

So basically the only thing left to pretend to give into the remoaners, and have another referendum, making sure that this time people are offered the right choice which will have 3 choices on it instead of just the remain-or-leave vote last time. This time the question will be written as follows:

Do you, the British people want to.....

• A. Leave the EU and face certain death at the hands North Korean machete-wielding chop-suey cyborgs. And get bummed by Donald Trump.

• B. Leave the EU by not actually leaving the EU, but saying we have, even though we haven't. And get swallowed by a supermassive blackhole, after a prolonged period of Zombie Apocalypse where your entire family get raped by senior royal family members.

• C. Have another referendum, and this time vote to remain as free citizens in the beautiful, lovely, prosperous, chivalrous, honourable European Union, where everyone is dead nice, and you'll end up a millionaire simply by having a nice red passport.

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Even better now, I have 12 months grace, where my own party can't get rid of me. That's right, that peanut headed spunk-guzzler Jacob Rees Mogg, and that ugly cunt who looks like he just woke up and saw a ghost fucking his dead Grandad in the ass (Boris) have been put back on their gimp leash......None of them can fuck me over because under the rules, they can't try to oust me again. What a result!!!

wankers

There's also more time for that beardy Jam-Feminist and closet pink-mincer Corbyn to edge closer to his grave without ever getting a look in, and more importantly, I get the chance to take nice brown envelopes from Goldman Sachs bankers, as well as the top guys in the European council, who are ever so grateful to me for stopping the British from thinking they had any rights to do anything without my say so.

And there's absolutely FUCK ALL any of you can do about it. I'm laughing so hard at you that there's literally a bit of pee coming out.....