BREAKING Trump to stand trial

Senate leaders McConnell and Schumer have turned over the president to the congressional department of inquisitions for immediate trial. Sources close to the matter say that the president will have his chance at a fair trial, by a small impartial and secret panel made up of his accusers, and will have the options of confessing by heavy stones or trial by swimming. Democrats and republicans alike are hailing this as the best on only reasonable outcome.