The Oldest Profession: Lessons from Our Commander-In-Chief
When it comes to business strategies for the world’s oldest profession, one would have to assume that the business model has been more-or-less ironed out. Leave the money on the dresser, right? Where does an ancient industry go, when it becomes bound by the chains of society and morality?
Like most well established, contemporary businesses, one real hope of rapid growth is technological innovation. The internet was a boon at first. Now, even the dark web is being filled with light. The new advent of blockchain, and its ability to send and receive anonymous money was incredibly promising. But, the cryptocurrencies are crashing inward and will surely be restructured in a way that leads to regulation. Further, where it seemed a boon for under-the-table industries, people are beginning to recognize the only strength of cryptocurrency is in the immutable record it maintains. This will surely be manipulated to catch and terrorize those of us just trying to make a decent living. Well, a living nonetheless. Thus, this promising avenue is sure to be stifled.
In the immortal words of Terrance Howard as embattled pimp/emcee, Djay, “It’s hard out here for a pimp, tryin’ to get money to pay the rent.”
But a wrench was just thrown into the system from an unexpected corner, and the game just changed forever. For those of you too busy hustling to follow the news, Trump lawyer and confidant Rudi Giuliani just publicly admitted that Trump paid Stormy Daniels in “hush money”, and that the transaction was totally on the level. Not only was he so confident in the legality of the move that he defended it on national television, he laid bare the entire business model of “fixers” like himself and Michael Cohen. If you don’t follow the implications, let me break it down for you:
An old, rich man - married to a trophy wife and with new baby on the way- wants to celebrate with the companionship of a fine woman. Let me clarify. Wants to celebrate with a beautiful woman who he is not married to. While his pregnant wife is at home. Normally, this type of interaction would involve a shady back alley engagement, followed by a secret rendezvous. At this point the John, or in our case the Donald John, would be required to present and turn over cash. This is not only a compromising situation, but brings feelings of shame and guilt. But no longer. A man among men has revealed the newest and best strategy for the oldest game ever played. I formally introduce to you the industry’s newest and hottest business model, “The Trump Card.”
In this apparently legal ploy, the rich man gets to sleep with a "lady-of-the-night" of his choosing. Instead of paying her or her employer at the end of the encounter, the man leaves happy and satisfied with the self-delusion that he was just engaged in some sort of mutually exciting love affair. The next day, as if he were paying the cable bill, the man gives money to his lawyer. The lawyer drafts up an agreement between the two parties, and the lady agrees to not talk about the encounter in exchange for a large sum of money. Thus, instead of paying for “services rendered” at the end of the night like some chump in a strip club, the client simply pays for discretion in a totally consensual relationship. The lady of course acknowledges through the contract that the relationship was consensual and not a ploy to make money. That of course, would be prostitution.
Yes, there is a small fee for the lawyer that you would normally not pay. This may drive your prices up slightly, but these costs will be managed and arbitrated as time goes on. Just look at how Trump’s main fixer, Michael Cohen, was able to bring his client’s cost down from $150,000 to $130,000 in only a few negotiations. Brilliant! Further, the new legality of the situation will bring droves of customers. The fear of being arrested and exposed as a creep to their family is the main reason men avoid extramarital services. With this fear gone, you will find that you have a line out the door of new customers.
It will only be a matter of time before America is Great Again. Brothels on every corner, backed by lucrative law firms simply providing non-disclosure agreements for willing parties. Saloons will overfill with men from all countries, happy to partake in our unrestrained free-market economy. When it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Well this quacks like pure gold to my ears.