Donald Trump Jokes

in politics •  last year

Donald Trump Jokes
The Hair Jokes were mostly eliminated because of time and space constraints


Photo Credit: Democratic Underground

Warning - Don't read this if you don't have a Sense of Humor

News

At a news conference, a journalist said to presidential candidate Trump, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied Donald Trump, "That she has a big mouth."

Funeral


Photo Credit: VG247.com

When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point.

Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.

At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally. "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"

Opera


Photo Credit: Askideas.com

Metropolitan Opera House At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

All the Breast (Sorry, "Rest")...


Photo Credit: Politiforum

Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans? Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education? By renaming it Trump University.

Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house.

What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra? "The erection is rigged!"

If you're black you literally have to be a brain surgeon to get a Trump cabinet post.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant? Nothing they're both full of shit!.

How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books? It starts on Chapter 11.

Can I tell you a joke about the wall? Never mind you won't get over it.

Why don't black cats cross Trump's path? Because they are afraid of pussy grabbers.

What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"

What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump? Snow White Supremacist.

When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer? Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy? "Let me see your birth certificate".

If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump Card

Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover? It's called "Trump It or Dump It".

What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do? Make America Hate Again.

Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants? Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!

Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts.

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary.

Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination.

What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about? All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet? Meat and Democrats!

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan.

What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay? The League of Extraordinary Con Men.

What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats? Donald Trump.

What did rural America tell Donald Trump? You're Hired.

How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you? Cause your the only one Hair.

Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump? Because you better duck when he's pissed.

What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower? No way Hose A.

How do you make Halloween great again? By carving a Trumpkin.

Why does Trump love the poorly educated? Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive. I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes? Answer: The back of his head.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan? If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.

What do you call the Michael Moore film about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Joe Arpaio? Three Ami-egos.

How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs? By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.

Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs? Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.

How do you know the economy is only getting worse? On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!

Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation? Discrimination.

How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention? By relocating it to a casino!

What is Donald Trumps favorite song? ICE ICE Baby......

Why does Donald Trump pick his nose? Because he's the boogeyman.

You know what Trump has besides money? A barber with a sense of humor.

Republicans attend Trumps inauguration? Because the weatherman told them there was a 70 percent chance of a golden shower.

What does Donald Trump and a porn star have in common? They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

Why isn't it surprising that Donald Trump wants to be President of the United States? Because it's not the first time he has pushed a black family out of their home!

Have you tried the new Donald Trump Candy Bar? It's incredibly rich but has no taste!

Why did Donald Trump ban shredded cheese as his first act as president? He wanted to fulfill a campaign promise to "Make America Grate Again".

Did you hear about the first executive bill that newly elected Trump passed, called the American telephone act? Yeah you no longer have to press 2 for English.

What instrument does the Alt-Right play? A TRUMP-BONE!

What do you call it, when a brainless creature takes over the world? The Trump-ocalypse.

Trump: Hispanics and "Never Trump", I don't want to taco bout it.

Reporter: "How about your tax returns?" Trump: "Nacho Business"

What do you call it if they impeach Trump? a Coupe-Toupet.

What do you call a president that blows? Donald Trump-et

How do you know when Trump is not lying? His mouth is closed. How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble.

Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters.

I don't always insult entire nations, but when I do it's with Trumped-up charges.

American Criminals flee to Mexico and Mexican criminals flee to America.....Everybody needs to comb down.

There was absolute chaos on Capitol Hill this morning as Donald Trump signed an executive order changing the National Anthem to "ICE ICE Baby...".

I wonder if Donald Trumps Secret Service codename is "walnut". So when he enters a room the Secret Service can say "The wall nut has arrived."

Donald Trump is a builder, he's going to use the vast resources of the United States government to build a wall to protect our citizens, build a strong middle class, and most importantly build a machine to cure male pattern baldness.

If Donald Trump wins the election, I volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games.

It's official, Beyonce now has more black people in her than Trump has in his cabinet.

Donald Trump is a successful investor........in the laughing stock market.

Donald Trump is so dumb that he thinks Roe vs Wade is the choice faced by Washington crossing the Delaware.

Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother.

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb Trump's ego and jump down to his I.Q.

Donald Trump loves the "poorly educated" so much, that when he's president there will be more of them than ever.

I heard Donald Trump wants to deport criminals.....Great when does he leave.

Donald J. Trump became president and started combating environmental disasters, annihilating sexual assault and battery, and zapped abortion in America. Unfortunately in the morning the dream was over.

Trump has been counting his protesters as supporters. No wonder why he thinks they're in the thousands.

Donald Trump wants to build a great Wall between Mexico and the United States of America... and if he does then Canada will need one too.

If Donald Trump had a sense of humor, he would die laughing after looking in the mirror.

The only reason Donald Trump cares about the popular vote (and claims millions of illegals voted) is because it has the word popular in it.

Donald Trump so dumb, he ordered NASA to arrest illegal aliens.

Donald Trump, at a campaign stop in the midwest, promised to rebuild titties and make Detroit the motorboat city.

Donald Trump wants to remake America in his own image, and when the mushroom clouds lifts he will have done just that.

The Begining of the End


Photo Credit: DPRK

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Trump hates imports. In fact, the only thing he will import are his future wives.