Don't mistake your neighbour for their shadow.

I’m coming up on 10 years of marriage.
By now I’m pretty much an expert on relationship and love.
Just ask my wife!

On second thought…don’t do that! ;)
Hehe, there are still many areas I fall short and come face to face with my own selfishness and presumptions.

One thing I saw and realized early on in marriage, is something I want to try to pen down now as it is relevant to these political times!
Hopefully it makes sense and you can relate.

A very wise man I know once shared something his pastor told him:

“ We want to be judged on our intentions, but we judge others on their actions"

Early on in marriage I found that there were times when me and my wife would have disagreements and I would increasingly argue against a “wife that was being painted in my mind”.
How this painting of my wife was being made, I couldn’t say for sure, but I realized that the painting was more often than not, an inaccurate reflection of who she was or what she was trying to say in reality.
And I found a tendency in me to focus in on what, and who, I thought I saw,
and then give my words and arguments directed towards that.

Now if this took place in my wife’s head as well, you can imagine how it quickly escalated with fear, defense, anger and frustration.

This happens all the time in other conversations and exchange of opinions as well. Between friends and co-workers, students and teachers, democrats and republicans, christian and non-christians.

We believe that someone else are in an exaggerated position and of a darker nature than what they really are.

What came first, who started the misunderstanding first? I don’t know, it can be a chicken and egg kinda thing.
But I believe, and I might loose some people here, that there is a force out there who’s best interested is in us being divided and fighting.
So he manipulates and put lies in your head about people, saying things like “what they really meant was..”, “what they’re really after is..” or “who they really are is.."

Now you might find that there is evidence that justifies the painting you see, but more often than not - that is not the person standing in front of you.

See, they are worried you are holding a position that is extreme, so they communicate towards that position.
Their words will therefore contain more fear and attack. Those words serve to strengthen what you think you are seeing, so you in turn choose words with defense and counter-attack, based on what you hear.
But it is not really where the other person is standing, is it? And it’s not where you are at either.
But this repeats until more animosity, fear and division grows.

See, each of us are just trying to make sure the other person is not as extreme and stubborn in their “damaging” values and opinions as we think they are.

Perhaps in our hunt for confirmation of the painting we think we see, we miss out on colors and strokes that we could benefit from?
Perhaps we can take some time to breathe and remember that we have been mistaken before, that it is easy to misunderstand and that people have multiple levels to them that takes some digging to get to.

Dont loose focus on the human in front of you. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions, to box in and to judge.
...remember you cast a shadow of your own as well.