October: The Abyss (2015)
DGAF over at the twoplustwo forums could not have summed up my thoughts for this month any better so I decided to quote one of his most timeless posts, seeing as I couldn't have expressed myself nearly as eloquently. There is so much garbage content to wade through on the internet in order to find these gems, so when they are finally discovered they are to be cherished. During my darkest times this helps me to stay confident and not become overwhelmed by feelings of self-doubt. When I am on an exhilarating heater it helps me not to lose sight of the bigger picture, sternly reminding of the struggles it took to get there, that ultimately it is a fleeting moment.
I was in Vegas this year ****ing off during the WSOP. I was at a poker table one morning when someone I respect probably more than anyone else in the (poker/gambling) world sits down. I respect him because he has been around/in action/surviving forever→ sounds easy I’m sure to anyone who has been crushing over their first few years of live play (there are plenty of people on extended heaters all around the world), but it’s not, at all, for a myriad of reasons (just look at how few 10 year+ vets there are)… I also respect this guy because he is completely loaded with humility and sincerity- he will talk straight/share stories and information with anyone who is not a POS, and if you watch closely you will see him help/take care of all sorts of very down on their luck/haggard looking characters (I can only imagine how many of these dudes were crushers/ballers at one point) who pass by him in the poker room, randomly or not…
ANYWAYS, this dude has pretty much “seen it all.” At least as much as anyone else I ever play with (I’ve played with older players—this guy is mid-fifties-- who have prob played more hours of poker total, but I’m talking about playing in the biggest games, for a living, etc). And in addition to poker, this guy is a very sharp sports bettor/gambler. So he understands edge available, variance, etc, extremely well (especially for an lol live pro )…
ANYWAYS, ANYWAYS, this guy takes a 1-outer beat for stacks to some foreign kid pretty quickly after he sits down. Now he has never been one to complain at the table obv (anyone who has been around at all knows to not do this), and the permanent dark bags under his eyes tell you this is far from the first time he’s gotten super unlucky/faced adversity in his life (to further illustrate how old school this dude is, when I started playing with him he straight up told me I reminded him of Stu Ungar, because I was a fish 9 handed , but the last person he liked playing against short-handed )… But he actually has a legit befuddled/just seen a ghost look on his face after his ~ 3k stack is pulled in by the dealer and pushed to the foreign kid. Which is my que to say quietly from across the table, “Gross.”
Surprisingly (shockingly, actually) he breaks code and opens up to me in front of everyone. “(DGAF),” he says in gentle disgust (he knows I’ve got some miles on me too now lol), “that’s the third 1-outer this week!” And after I make the actual “eek” face, he concludes while shaking his head, “These past 2 months are the worst I’ve EVER run… Seriously… Just incredible…”
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So what?! Why am I making this super long as it is thread, even longer? Just to talk about some old schooler who ran bad this summer???
No. I’m writing this post for me (and for some of you). This old schooler wasn’t just “running bad.” He knows how to handle “running bad.” He was running sooooo bad that he was actually in the variance abyss, where NO ONE can see straight/act right/play their A game.
After 30-40 years of beats, swings, anomalies, etc, one hand/one stroke of bad luck certainly wasn’t going to phase the Vegas old schooler. And it didn’t. It was the anomalous streak of bad luck strokes (I only witnessed the most recent one) that got him. But still, that this super seasoned vet, who understands math/probabilities/variance/etc very well (and he’s tough as nails btw), was completely owned/destroyed by his recent unlucky streak- I found that to be pretty ****ing amazing/telling. And his face/reaction/befuddlement that morning has been in the back of my mind ever since…
I’ve been to the variance abyss a couple times in my own career (2 insanely horrific against all odds stretches over ~ 7 years of high volume live play/gambling where I myself- pretty ****ing logical, well versed, battle tested, etc- was seeing ghosts and in turn, acting/playing a fool.).
I’m actually just coming out of my second stint in the abyss now (I ran good and won heaps over my last 2 sessions, which doesn’t mean I’m safely out for sure or I can’t go right back in lol, but I def feel different than I have the past few months, and I look forward to returning to form as a poker player/person soon- I hope). And it temporarily changes you, no matter who you are/how long you’ve been around/how much you’ve thought about all this stuff…
The abyss makes you self-destructive. It makes you depressed. It drains your energy. It makes you make bad calls, bad folds, bad bluffs, bad value bets, etc. It makes you readable at the table. It makes everyone else less readable. The fish suddenly play OK against you. The scared grinders suddenly play well against you. And the world class players suddenly own your troubled soul. YOU are the blood in the water- even if you’ve always been the alpha shark.
The variance abyss also makes you do dumb ****/things you never would. For respectable gamblers like the Vegas old schooler, it makes you actually talk about your bad luck at the table, even though you know it’s bad for the game and no one cares/wants to hear about it. For other less respectable gamblers, it often does much worse. There are countless examples obv (just go search NVG or HSNL) of the abyss quickly turning OK people/harmless poker enthusiasts into scammers, deadbeats, crazy people→ no one running good/OK ever owes a bunch of people money or is out scamming/committing crimes or sleeping on the streets or whatever.
So what does the abyss look like? It’s more than just some longshot beats obv. It’s ALWAYS finding the top of a range when the money goes in. It’s finding the very bottom of a range when the money doesn’t go in. It’s constantly turning 2 pair or trips when you are against a set. It’s ALWAYS BEING AGAINST A SET. It’s flopping a set yourself (finally) but knowing you aren’t going to win (and you don’t). It’s the game breaking at your lowpoint every session. It’s the 100 vpip fish taking a phone call as you get your first good hand. It’s being in position with dominating hands against a whale all night and never winning. It’s having a rep/image such that no one folds anything to you and yet you don’t turn over a winning hand for like 3 sessions straight. It’s doing all the things you've always done to cultivate a good game (investing lots of time, money and energy) and then having some other good player randomly show up and start binking all over the place until all the free money is gone. It’s getting all your playable hands in the sb. It’s having someone spill their drink on your lap. It’s getting gum on your pants from under the table- on both legs. It’s knocking your sirachi sauce off your food tray and having it hit the floor in such a magical way that it shoots up into the air and all over the well dressed high stakes limit pro behind you. It’s someone forgetting to straddle when you get aces. It’s firing a second barrel as your opponent picks up a flush draw, firing a third when they get there, checking back worse when they don’t. It’s having a nit bluff you…
In the abyss you don’t lose 5 flips in a row. You lose 5 flips in a row, then 5 more , then 5 more, then 5 more, and so on… You get sick of flipping but the whale demands you do it/he pays you juice. He’s a little bit shady and you don’t know if he already looked at his cards so you agree, but only if you can switch cards. He agrees and you give him your Aces… You don’t fire the 5 sharp nfl plays you get (because you are being responsible) and you watch them go 5-0 easy. The next week you say, “**** it, gamble!” and you fire the 5 new sharp plays given to you. You go 0-5 (partially because Eli Manning is a worthless human being), and you suddenly realize that you’ve had 0 winning sports betting weeks in the last 6 months. Now needing to earn in poker, you lose a bunch, 4 sessions in a row- in insanely soft short-handed big games, that YOU built. You win 200 bucks the next session (hey, you’ll take it), but get completely whacked right when you sit down the following session. And so on…
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So who has been to the abyss? All but the newest players have seen glimpses of it imo. I got overset twice in an hour and 4 times in a session playing big a few years ago. That’s a glimpse. I played a 3000 bb pot with A9 vs AA on 9954 and did not win a few years before that. That’s a glimpse. I got it all in on the flop the other day (single raised multiway pot, I called on the button pre) with 8h6h vs 9c8d on 9s7h5s and I got felted. If I hadn’t already been in the abyss, that would have merely been a glimpse as well.
The abyss is basically relentless bad luck/no relief. You have to think, “OK, and it can’t get any worse than this” at least 20 times in a row spread out over time before it’s even possible you are in it. You have to FEEL like you CAN’T WIN (even if lots of data/results/logic suggests the opposite). You have to literally want to cry or break something for several hours straight (depending on how you deal with ****) for there to even be a chance you are in it. You have to a least ponder for a second when getting dressed which shirt might be luckiest/break the slump (even if you aren’t a superstitious idiot). You have to at least consider seat changing or asking for a new setup for real (even though you hate that **** and know it’s super retarded and would never actually do it). You have to at least get mad at/airball the dealers a little for your bad hands. It has to look like there are 15 people at the table when the game is full. You have to start thinking a little, “This guy is playing kinda good” when you know deep down said guy is super terrible. You have to honestly think (and maybe even tell a friend), “No one has EVER run this bad before…“ Otherwise, no shot you have been there imo.
As mentioned, I’ve been to the abyss twice in my (pretty long) career (fingers crossed, 7 hail marys, etc, my last 2 sessions just brought me out). The Vegas old schooler has probably been there more than that (though he plays a WAY lower variance brand of poker/gambling, so maybe not). Guys like Doyle Brunson, Barry Greenstein, Mike Matusow, Ted Forrest, etc, I’m sure they’ve all been there plenty (you can see it on their faces). But have guys like Antonio Esfandiari? Idk, he’s prob played a lot of poker, but as a commentator he’s said some things that honestly make me think he hasn’t/he doesn’t even remotely grasp variance as it applies to live poker.
What % of the people playing in the biggest game in your casino have been there? Like really been there? I’d say maybe 20%. What % of the hotshots/LAGs (people still playing LAG that is) have been there? Pretty much zero.
The reason for these low figures? For sane, healthy people, one extended trip to the abyss is enough imo. They aren’t going back. Whether that means playing way tighter/more conservative, much smaller (where the abyss doesn’t really hurt), or quitting poker/gambling all together, that’s what the human survival instinct has most sane people do imo. The pain and the financial loss is just too much…
As mentioned, some warriors do just stick it out and get perma bags under their eyes and occasionally act like rookies at the table. And some stay around but it’s not long until they resort to illegal/dirty activity until they are completely broke, locked up, banned, or worse.
And then others try to document/sort through their super fishy thoughts (which only show up while in the abyss every few years) with super long, rambling essays posted anonymously on the internet, all in an effort to be more objective, stronger, and more sane (and maybe help a few others do the same) in general, and ESPECIALLY the next time they find themselves in the The Abyss.
1025/800 UTG blk don straddle EP shorty open 20 one call I 3b AA 75 in BB. 4way 753cc I bet 200 only blk don call 190 eff. Turn Qx Riv Qx he has QsTh.
Absolutely absurd hand I just felt the need to post because it is just so ridiculous. How someone can call off a large bet with no pair, no draw, and dead overs with others left to act is something I just cannot comprehend.
1050/1050 EP straddle one call I raise red JJ 40 in CO BTN nig don flat EP omc shove 64 I call don call. 3way 962hh I bet 150 he snap shoves I snap. Don TT. Riv Tx.
This is the same V from the hand above. This is a guy who continually buys in for $200 until he can get up to a grand or so, at which point he always hits and runs. In the short amount of time that he stays he is an extremely soft spot, playing a $1000 stack the same way he does a $200 stack.
1000/1000 BTN straddle I overcall 22 in MP. 7way J92r SB omc bet 30 MP fish call I raise 135 only HJ internet tough guy call. Turn 3x I bet 315. Riv Jx I shove internet tough guy slowrolls J9o.
1000/1000 EP blk recfish open 15 one call I 3b KQss 55 in MP. 3way Q43r I bet 115 only nig call. Turn 3x I bet 225 he CR 475 I tank fold he shows A7hh. No hearts on board.
This hand made for a very good discussion and although there is certainly merit to betting the turn vs such a weak opponent who can certainly call down 3 streets with worse, I now agree with the 2 street line. Checking back turn means I never get bluffed out of the pot, never get stacked, get an additional bet from 66-JJ that would likely fold to a turn bet, and get a bet from straight draws, worse queens, and floats. The tragedy of not being able to get my hand to showdown is significantly more important than going for a very thin 3 streets of value.
Because nothing was going my way in October I decided to take an extended hiatus of 10 straight days off. In response to expressing my burnout issues friends have suggested I take time off, but seeing as I haven't gone more than 2 days without playing poker this entire year that isn't something I've truly heeded. The results have been overwhelmingly positive. Stepping away from the game this long has made me realize what a great financial opportunity I really have in poker and it puts into perspective how foolish it is to waste time doing nothing productive at home. I am no longer complacent about my situation, my passion for the game somewhat rekindled.
I could go on and on about what a miserable grind this month has been, but that would be allowing poker to have complete control over my life. The quality of your happiness and the very state of your psyche are too important to be left up to chance, the simpler term for variance. Equating self worth with net worth is an equation for unhappiness, one that has dictated my life for far too long. It is the reason so many poker players are miserable.
Recently a good friend of mine gave me a truly meaningful pep talk that really put things into perspective. Western culture promotes the ideal that in order to be happy you must have the latest and greatest materialistic possessions, instilling feelings of inadequacy if you do not keep up with such a lifestyle. The truth is that this is all a never ending trap designed to to keep you enslaved to the financial system. The little value that these things bring to our lives is greatly outweighed by the stress and anxiety that come along with it. The loan balance on my relatively new Toyota is much greater than the actual value of the car, which in itself is a horrible situation. Walking out of the casino to my car after a losing session and having to look at the dents, key marks, and missing hubcap on my car amplifies that frustration tremendously. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I owned a new BMW.
I am far from robusto and there is no end to the grind in sight, but I am reaching the point where money doesn't matter so much anymore as long as I cut out the unnecessary luxuries. All of my basic needs are taken care of and reasonable wants are well within reach. I am sensible enough to admit that becoming rich while still having my youth is an unrealistic goal, financial security being a much more practical one. Because I have grown so much more sensible about money it is extremely unlikely that I will ever go broke again. Winning a few thousand in one night doesn't fill me with excitement like it used to, but at the same time losing a few thousand in one night doesn't bring me down like it did in the past. I believe this is what it means to have the right attitude towards money as a poker player.
A friend of mine highly recommended that I look into the life story of this billionaire. I expected it to be just like all the other documentaries where some rich billionaire spurts out some cliche quotes about hard work and passion. However, it turned out to be much more inspirational than I could've imagined. This is the only billionaire I can think of that is dedicating all of his energy and personal wealth to make the world a better place and advance human civilization into the era of space travel, rather than just trying to accumulate more wealth. Unlike the arrogant and obnoxious Mark Cuban, Elon is a very pleasant, humble, down-to-earth person.
The majority of his wealth in his early career came from the sale of Zip2 and Paypal, of which his personal share from the deal was 22M and 165M respectively. When Tesla was struggling to get off the ground with only a few months of operating costs in the bank, there was no angel investor or miraculous bailout to save his company. He alone took the stand by devoting nearly all of his personal capital to save Tesla from going under, to the point of risking personal bankruptcy, because it was unquestionably too important to let die. With a smile on his face he says that this stressful period was the closest he has ever come to a nervous breakdown, but that he has never actually had one.
I was able to deeply empathize with this particular segment. Here I am losing my mind and going off on extremely negative tangents when I am down more than $1,000 (<3% of my current net worth) in a session, while Elon maintained his composure despite being at risk of losing the entirety of his 200M net worth. He doesn't see failure as everyone else does, he just sees it as an obstacle that he needs to remove in order to accomplish the goal he defined in the beginning. Other people see failure as a need to change and do other things, but that's because they didn't create a well defined goal in the first place. I believe Elon's calm, positive attitude in this regard sets the perfect example of how downswings need to be handled.
Although it has been getting slightly cooler, the snowbirds definitely haven't made it to Tampa yet. Aside from running poorly the games have generally still been pretty poor as well. Throughout many sessions this month players on all tables would be requesting transfers, but there was no good table to actually transfer to. Half the time 5/10 game here is made private and the shady shitreg who runs it absolutely hates me, so there is no shot at getting in and my earning potential is currently being severely handicapped. My LA trip is right around the corner to kickstart the new month, the Seminole Hard Rock series starts shortly after, then the month ends with me going to the WSOPc in Cherokee. I am glad October is over with and am very excited for what November has in store.
