Are You Friends Viral?

I had the lump for a while. I went out drinking and bled all over
my family reacted well
my apartment sucks
i took a picture the day i found out
i listened to rasputina in the mri machine
i wish i kept my no skid socks
they gave me a biopsy same day cause i signed up for experimental testing
one was paid, though i never received the money, I lost the check

my dad knew before my mom
i only told the people who i thought would feed me
i think i have been taking it well
seeing all the appointments on one paper scares me
i found out before my chemistry exam, i was with yaser and naveed, we went to best buy for a touch screen that day
i lost 100 dollars at the tech bash
i also lost my nook charger
we can’t find a place to live
i made the appointment and got insurance while we were on the run
i want to finish the album
i made sams music video and i put a lot of time into it
now is not a good time to start programming
i have been eating worse
school was a very bad and ill timed investment
im getting over my fear of talking on phones, but i am more afraid of the radiation
im too young for this, seeing older women cry makes me feel worst, because im younger
i dont want to go to the support groups
tamiz thinks i may help someone else
the only question i could come up with at the doctors was can i still drink
it was the only thing that seemed relevant

im glad its not leukemia
even though this will require major surgery, i am glad i still have my taste buds
i think i like sam more, not sure if its because we been together long, or glad to have someone, or he has money now or what
sam brought me flowers 2 days in a row
i also got some delicious cookies
i think i may be starting to get a bit down about all this
i found someone to grind the tea
i need 800 dollars for like 4 different things
we haven’t even hooked up the akai
im starting to second guess myself more than ever
i am supposed to be relaxed, but knowing that i am so bad at relaxing makes me even more worried
i hate going to work, but i have to pay my mom back the money she loaned me to get a house
i spent it on school, some debts, and insurance, since i was in school, i really just lost more money by working at the same time, because i was not allowed to work from home those days

i am resigned to never start school again unless i am already successful
For one, even if i care about how well i do, i don’t care enough about the material to want to study on the bus
studying on the bus sucks
i want to tell people i have cancer sometimes because i think they will be nice or give me things
i dont want people checking on me to see how well i am doing, i just want their food or money

i was too nice to people that weren’t worth it when i had money
i don’t even remember all the things i did for people, and i am sure they dont either
no one pays you back money when they borrow it, it would seem
i don’t like borrowing money
sam seemed like he didnt want to loan me money, even though i never hesitate to help him
that makes me feel uneasy even though ultimately he said yes
i have been seeing more people from my high school
i saw the girl who convinced me to go to PP when i was 15
I shuttered a lil bit, what made me trust her opinion anyway?
a boy i like liked her, and i think that equalled credibility for a long time
is that ironic, or just pathetic i wonder
i dont want to go to my high school reunion unless i am successful
i want to go because i am hoping it will bring me closure
my childhood years warped me i think because i didn’t have very many good friends
in fact, most of my experiences with others are borderline depressing and end in me being taken advantage of
i am trying really hard to finish all the things that i start
when i had money, what was i doing, i know i had projects, but i guess they werent like this
or these that i have now
im glad i dont have kids
i thought i might have been pregnant until 4 days ago
im going to keep my calendar more up to date
im glad my mom is managing my doctors appointments
if she didn’t i’m sure i would be blowing all this treatment off
i haven’t decided if i want chemo or radiation
tamiz thinks i will be able to find out from going to support groups
i dont want the cancer to spread, and i dont want to die
wine has reversatrol
malort has wormwood and thats antifuungal
my life is a social experiement
our lives are social experiments
are your friends viral

• An old "piece," from my cancer diagnosis