I loved it kitteh but in this part there is a snag in my opinion
And there are no words to do justice, to convey them your glory I've seen. I make use of the shadow-shapes,
The your feels off can I suggest a tiny tweak without you stealing my pie ?
How about a simple - the ?
And there are no words to do justice,
to convey them the glory I've seen.
I make use of the shadow-shapes,
I know you were most likely going for the your to make it personal and specific to the entity but flow wise and language wise it feels like a pointy something making it feel uncomfortable and wrong in my opinion.
No, I'm not going to agree :P
This "Your" is what makes it clear what the whole poem is about. Yes, it can also be read as an abstract musing on the nature of poetry, and of relaying emotions, but this is specifically a love poem, and a musing on trying to convey love, via poetry, with the stricture of "no cliches." So this is very much a word that should be there.
Also, it does fit grammatically, and even if it didn't, in poetry, there is such a thing as poetic license.
And I see why you snagged on it, but like most of my poetry from this year, it was actually written for an audience of one, and then shared with others :)
I think it is the combination of your glory I've seen ... maybe ditch the i've seen and do your slory alone or your glory seen ? As is the audience of one is OC the most important :)
I'm trying to say I like it as is :P
I respect you'd have changed it, but I won't, because I think it conveys exactly what I want it to at that bit. Critique is not always received, y'know, because at the end of the day the poet has to make the call, based on their style and taste ;)
LOL yes kitteh ;)