The Disheveled Self Of The Elf On The Shelf - (by Tom B)

I was home one day all by myself,
when I turned and saw the Elf on the shelf.
What could this mean? Why was he here?
How I wondered could he just appear?

There was a note sitting by his side,
that gave instructions, it was my guide.
It said the Elf would watch how I act,
and go back to Santa and deliver the facts.

From your habits the elf would derive,
what Santa would bring when he would arrive.
“Your deeds great or very small,
Will decide your gift, or none at all.”

“There’s only one rule that you have to follow,
so I will come back and be here tomorrow.
Please do not touch me my magic might go,
and Santa won’t hear all I’ve seen or I know.”

I thought, “Alright, I’ll just let him be
then he can report all that he sees.”
A little later I happened to spy,
the trace of a tear formed in his eye.

I went upstairs, and when I came back down,
I noticed some ashes laying on the ground.
Some cigarette smoke floated above the Elf’s’ head,
He looked a bit nervous, with a face turning red.

Then I turned and looked at a beer bottle trail,
behind me I heard the Elf’s painful exhale.
I picked up the empties and tried to ignore,
how the Elf seemed to sweat and his hands shook more.

At one point when he thought he was alone,
I caught him talking on my phone.
“Please Santa, please! take me away!
I can’t stand to be here, another day!”

He turned and saw me, then he screamed,
“Stay away from me! you’re like a bad dream!”
“I’ve watched your activities, how you conduct yourself,
never again do I want to be an Elf on a shelf!”

The up on the roof,
there arose such a clatter,
then Santa walked in,
and said “Elf what’s the matter?”

Then the Elf pointed at me,
and Santa cried out, “How can this be?”
“This man was supposed to be on the list,
of people the Elf should have missed!”

Then some reindeer arrived bearing a stretcher.
Santa instructed them to check Elf’s blood pressure.
Then as they carried the Elf away.
Santa turned and he did say.

“The Elf will be fine,
they heal very quick,
Merry Christmas to all,
but you make me sick."