Head/waters (Original Poetry)
Source
Quit thrashing, just float
Existing within
these temporary forevers we have
while holding our breath
Survival depends on
the duration of immersion
death is quick
and silent
The sound of settling
echoes over the splashing waters
Intentions clear
a still pool
These waters may be rough
but sheer power of will
keeps me afloat.
Image sourced from Pixabay
Poetry is property of @Sunravelme
The moment comes when you must go down before coming back up again.
It's so true! Hopefully we all manage to surface
Much like Dante pointed out, the atmosphere of this piece is excellent. It also helps that your word choice is spot on, for the most part. Since poetry is so dependent on every word being perfect, this will likely come off at nit-picky, but that’s only because the poem is at a wonderful place as it is. I usually break pieces apart by stanza, but because your piece is only one stanza long, I’ll just do an overall comment.
The use of the verb “drowning” and the preposition “on” is a bit off for me. Floating on currents is a phrase I’ve heard, but the act of drowning suggests that you’re immersed in the water. I would prefer the preposition “in” here if you’re going for brevity. If you’re not too concerned, under or a similar word would be stronger.
I would also change existing to “exist” and follow the pattern of exclamations “exist within these temporary forevers…”
The final three longs don’t feel right to me. It’s motivational, surely, but it doesn’t fit the dark mood that you’ve built through the rest of the poems. If I were you, I would take the power of will and turn it into another metaphor. Perhaps it’s a life-raft or small boat? This will allow you to keep the metaphor going at a more figurative level than breaking it: “a still pool/ the power of will/a small boat/above water”
Overall, excellent piece. One of the best I’ve read on Steemit thus far.
Thank you for the feedback! That is super valuable. I love the piece that you posted- Bare Hands.
Gorgeous photo ..inspiring
Great post! thanks for sharing! Follow you and Restreem!
I appreciate it! Love your art!
Beautiful words @sunravelme. Sometimes ya just gotta go with the flow instead of resisting the current :)
Exactly ❤ thank you for checking it out!
Where life depends purely on the will to live... beautifully written <3
Thank you! You make an excellent point about the poem, for sure. The end was supposed to be a little uplifting, that you can keep yourself afloat even when you feel like you're drowning.
Beautiful... this is a good piece. I like your writing style. The atmosphere created by the words is top notch.
Cheers
Thank you! I was thinking about thoughts as water and kind of brainstormed from there.
I don't know whats worst drowning in the water or dying from thirst, but I know sheer willpower could keep you afloat even at worst circumstances.
Love the poem @sunravelme
That is quite the bit of poetry you wrote there! Love it
I felt the claustrophobic, squeezing feeling that you sometimes get beneath the sea while reading this poem @sunravelme. Fantastic work!
Excellent! That's what I like to hear- sometimes getting caught up in thought is just like that!
Excellent, short but sweet!
I appreciate that! I prefer short, to an extent- I never can manage to finish longer pieces.
i like ur writing, follow you!!
I appreciate it!