"Write On" A Slight Autobiography

rckchk83 (57)in #poetry • 7 years ago

“Write On” A Slight Autobiography

They tell me if I write it out
That it will make me feel better
But it has been so damn long since I have put this pen to paper
To deal with my feelings
Or the vibes that crush my soul
My destructive thoughts
So haunting like that old time rock and roll
The sweet honey for my ears to taste and hold
I need Prince to stir my senses
And Joe Elliott to take me home
I need to scream with Steven Tyler
And drop “F” bombs with Amy Lee
I need to Cool down with Boston
And allow Gary Wright to help me drift off to dream
In that mellow distant place where I can finally breathe
As I take center stage as a performer
With my band of brothers backing me
But, alas, here comes the darkness
A nightmare, if you will
As the Dark Shadows theme song haunts me
And I make a run into the hills
I wind up in a sacred mountain up high
So high that there is a mist
And Heart performs “These Dreams”
But I’ll be damned if I can find my prince
I bump into some weird creature
And I yell “Alice Cooper, for Pete sakes, Feed Your Frankenstein!”
But all I hear is laughter
As Alice and Rob Zombie buzz of in Herman Munster’s Dragula
Leaving me to fend off the ugly beast
The one with the Bette Davis eyes
What a wild looking creature!
Or is it the demons of the past all in one?
Coming back to shake me up
And remind me of where I come from?
My past I cannot escape
Follows me like a lost puppy dog
And whilst I am being tortured
All of my haters sleep like a log
I am such a messed up individual
Having to pee a million times when in strange places or even when I am with a good friend
Sometimes I tend to stutter which is really strange
And my memory isn’t always the best
And it feels weird to act my age
Because I’m stuck in teenage years where home school started from
I was 15 going on 16 and dealing with so much
But for the years away from crowds, classes, jack asses, and experiences
I came out with better grades and was much smarter
But I will always be haunted by it
As the others crossed before me
A stage where I could not dwell
I became even more of an outsider
But in all honesty, who could seriously stand that hell?
Where being different, quiet, shy, and fat…
Being a book worm, out of the norm, and strange
Meant you had to be bullied
Meant you had to be questioned
Meant you had to be forgotten and betrayed
Feeling the knife go in deeper
As I grew weaker
So I took my sorry back side and I ran
Did the home school
Took on a part time job where I was paid under the table
Discovered the internet and at 16 we got our first computer
Purpureopasion, Purobelleza, Iceprincess_1816, nightvision_writer, rckchk83
A couple personas
Dating a guy 2 years younger over a computer screen
Thought I had found the one
Flowers from a guy in Alabama when I was 18
Such a romantic, but it turns out to be tragic
When that familiar on-line handle goes away
So many jobs in my life, mainly cleaning and some factory
My only face to face relationship started when I was 23
Sex before or around the ripe old age of 24
Oh man, so exciting
But nothing lasts forever
5 years of off and on love with the same guy went right down the crapper
But, what does it matter?
Even I would not want me
Driver’s license finally at 26 and it was worth the wait
First self published book released when I was around 23
Wow I have 12 books out now at almost 34
But still not many notice me
I’m too sensitive, too deep for my own good
My temper, my potty mouth, my need of longing for more
For someone, for freedom
Waiting for God to open another door
Yes, I am a believer and when there is no one left to love I know Jesus always will
I know God made me in the secret place
He knew me even before my mom did
At least she cared about me
Unlike my father who never wanted me to exist
That sorry bastard said terrible things and would beat mom and I when he was pissed
It was his way or no way
And I am quite certain my mental illness was inherited from him
And it was brought forth from the pain
From the shame and all the hurt
Always wondering what continuing on living was really worth
But I grew up
Grew up hating myself as I often do today
Known and befriended so many liars and cheaters
But at first they never came off that way to me
The way of the world is colder, crueler
Then what it even was back then
My heart hurts for all I cannot control
And, oh, heads would roll if only I could have my say
But I am better staying silent
Wouldn’t want to speak out and be called a retard again by my sister
She is a giant bully who is selfish, rude, and mean
She, as others do, thinks that this mental illness is all in my head
She thinks I should be working and that I am a loser because I still live at home with my mom
And, oh, do not forget that I did not stay in school and that I have no boyfriend and no kids, etc.
Makes one feel like sweet roses, doesn’t it?
If only this muzzle had a key
And y’all can hate me
Judge me
Spit right in my face
I have seen and heard it all
Had my life threatened various times
Yet, here I am
Standing in the same place
Oh, perhaps the world is not ready
Not ready for such a woman as I
But one day I will leave my mark
And all you haters will have nothing better to do
Than to sit back and watch this 80’s rckchk shine!