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RE: Morning Poem שיר בוקר

in #poetry7 years ago

Thank you for sharing this lovely heartwarming poem about waking up and love. I much prefered and enjoyed the first stanza because of the specific and relatable images i identified with.

The language here is so dense and rich with concrete imagery:

The scent of you awakens me
Like the soft light of the morning
Your presence strokes me like warm water
Your touch engulfs me
Like a song of endless longing

Each line builds and borrows from each portion of the one before and after it.

The scent of the lover (or coffee :) ) touches the speaker's nose like morning light against your eyelids. Beautiful image! Wow I feel like I can taste, smell, and feel the image struggling against sleep with the first flittering eye lashes.

"presence strokes [...] like warm water." I think of a spa, or a bath, or a hot tub, or a hot ocean. Great image!

Then, the next line builds and develops on the "presence "like warm water" with the line "your touch engulfs me" like water engulfs someone submerging. I can feel the person approaching my bed. How the warm palm on my shoulder feels like courses around my skin everywhere sending rippling pleasure and stretch into the pillows.

My only suggestion would be to change the line, "and endless song of longing." Maybe remove "of longing," and produce an image you want to convey the same idea. I like "an endless song." Maybe that your body sings? cells? smile so long your cheeks cease hurting. I don't know.

Lovely poem, and if I could read Hebrew I'm sure I would appreciate it too :) Well done!

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