silent

i have a lot of rage within me these days and i’m not sure where it is stemming from. i break out in tears in the middle of a bus ride, i look into the eyes of another and feel this urge to hug them. emotional inhibitions and my emotionally stoic upbringing are falling apart. i’m not sure whether my emotions are good out in the open, especially the more negative ones. people are scared. when i find myself wanting to punch the wall, or throw things around, i want to crawl on the ground and melt into the soil. i would never want to hurt a being. but i end up hurting myself. i sink into a lull of self-loathe and fury at my own failings. why can’t i accept? why can’t i accept everything with an open mind and heart? why do i resist? why do i have such particular desires? why do i need to be in control? and shrug off control as self-defence whenever i feel threatened? am i threatened? by what? where the fuck are my telos. where the fuck are they. why am i so angry? at who, at what? i feel i have nothing to give out. yet at the same time, i know it’s not true. i have so much love and energy bottled up within, waiting to be unleashed. but not everyone’s prepared to receive them. and i should not feel rejected if they are not willing to receive it... now. pure love is eternal. it will always be there. it can’t be measured. it can’t be retaliated. forgive yourself. forgive. and try and understand and forgive everything, even when it’s painful.

learn to suffer silently.
learn to suffer in the moment.
these feelings are real.
these feelings have their own source.
passion burns, love heals.
we start with passion, we let go with love.

and they come in waves.

the only thing i have is this moment. right here. and my own heart.
beautiful heart. who listens, waits, loves.
in silence.

as a kindred spirit said, “chill”.