Blog Before Bed. Talk To Myself So I Know What I Said. Poetry, Thought and Art.

Gonna be freaked okay yay. Will know what to say, to greet the day with exuberance!

Almost couldn't speak out of the catastrophe. Won't be pulled down by all the negativity. Though I saw down in that place bare and raw. They couldn't find a way out, I would not let them drag me down. Bought the hype to give up on themselves. I swore never to give into hopelessness. At least remain an observer to make sense of my own sense of self.

I witnessed the cultural contortions and distortions. Always honed to be the voice through the noise, find the pattern in the distortion field. You find all these stories and notions. Where did it all come from. To know everything here has an origin. That can help map out to make out the landscape. The bully culture of haze rituals and put downs. I will not have it! No repeating cycles of abuse and misuse. Still feel that sting, sense of resentment, being treated like a robot, losing my shit scared, not having anyone to talk to at times. Where is the community. Where is the community spirit? Is everyone distracted to be gollied by gizmos!?

I get back my tack on the language map. Remember what made me feel upset. The original thought, the reaction, to misunderstanding. And being treated like this other person I am not. That is what was off, being treated like a version of me by other people. They were acting like I would agree, yet if you listen closely an emotional bandage can sometimes become a sort of blasphemy. People live satisfied with the everyday consumerist 9 to 5 routine but not me, why not them too? I was always the one freaking out. Why don't others join in on some self expression. There are other versions of reality and different ways to look at things. I want to keep my emotional and intellectual awarenesses intact. And how do you know someone is your friend as a fact not a faith!?

And now I go to bed again to process everything I already know to form it into a new combination again! For a very long time I used to say I feel like a different new person everyday! Now to practice what I preach change up the routine yet still stick to what works for me. Yet be open to try new things or open to a new perspective. Want community perspective again, get active with talking on interesting topics with people. Don't be afraid to talk, discuss, change your way of thinking and relating. Take down the social barriers. Have a genuine good time. Yet the beaten down feelings of not wanting to know, well oh no! Get a right kind of surprise or shock to get you back in line.