Thoughts About Life - Part Two

If I were a frog I would refuse to kiss the princess, because I know she would hold turning me into a handsome prince over my head during every argument.

Whenever someone offers sex, I politely say “Excuse me” and run away, because I am saving myself for after I am released on good behavior.

I have been waiting all my life for Jesus to come back, because I would like to kidnap him. I imagine people would pay any ransom that I demanded for his return and then if I say “I'm sorry” Jesus would probably just pardon me.

When I try on new clothes I like to test out new scary faces in the mirror to show the strange women that tend to come home catching me in their underwear drawer.

When she told me who she voted for I didn't get angry, I just wondered when did they start letting mermaids vote.

I don't think they should make a braille version of the Bible, because after a while some of the words will wear off and we will end up with passages like “Let any of you who is with ___ sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Do we really want a bunch of blind people throwing stones?

If I was ever hit by a car, I would be forced to hit the car back so all the other cars wouldn't think I'm weak.

I was really concerned that in the event of a fire none of the firemen would be willing to rescue my dog, so I stapled a cardboard cutout of Scarlett Johansson on him, but now all my friends only come over to pet my dog.

I enjoy pooping in the airplane bathroom, because every time I flush the toilet I imagine all that poop landing on a flock of birds, sometimes I even add a note “This is for my car!”