I feel as if I'm a bit guilty of the conclusion you've reached. This piece did pass under my editor's pen, and I noted I had nothing to add or remove from it, that it was perfectly fine as it was, but that I felt it read like poetic prose, or just like segment of a story, not like poetry proper.

And Whoshim, I think as if capturing small moments is one of the best things poetry can do. I wonder if it is indeed an issue of this form in particular that lends itself to epics, or whether more work could be had to get more done in less, as you've done with the piece covering your earliest memory, and the one about the children.

But hey, this piece does flow very well.