My Heater Dial

I wish I had time to write a regular post, because I actually have a good one planned. But I must head to work right now. So, instead I figured I'd share one of my poems with you.

My Heater Dial

When I stepped into my truck this morning
the heater dial was turned to “foot warmer”
I never thought I would be resentful of a heater dial
but here I was just staring
pissed off and hurt
almost angry that I had to switch the knob to defrost
You see in all my years of driving,
I’ve always kept my dial on defrost
It’s practical
It keeps the windows from fogging
while warming the rest of the car at the same time
It wasn’t the fact the dial was changed that bothered me so much
but rather what it represented
this betrayal of my standard heater dial position
was nothing more than a reminder of you

Your feet were cold as we sat there in an
Ann Arbor parking deck on what was suppose to be a night of reward
a night of more new things
but this night’s discoveries were something I never wished for

Right now in the aftermath
I wish I had never messaged you in the first place
I wish I’d never asked
I wish your answer was different

Right now
I’m angry as hell at God, Fate, or whatever the hell you want to call it
I’m starting to understand why you are an Atheist
because I’m now having a hard time believing in a God also.

Are we nothing more than a game of Sims
If there is a God
Are they nothing more than a teenage boy with a twisted sense of humor

A game full of car crashes and broken hearts
Had I known before you were trying to make yourself love me
I might have handled things differently

Maybe that Chicago skyline would have looked differently
Maybe I would have only wanted your body instead
Maybe my heart would have been placed on lockdown
Had I known you fell in love with a city rather than me
I might have not tried to so hard

Maybe I would not have stood so tall
Maybe I wouldn’t have allowed us to plan for the future
Maybe I wouldn’t have cared if you smiled

I wished I could stop loving you
I wish things were different
I’m still waiting to wake up
hoping the parking deck was a bad dream

I want to move far away so you can’t find me
I want you to go out and find me
Because it’s not goodbyes that are the hardest
It’s knowing we are walking away from something more.

And for the record
I’ve been driving around with foggy windows
Can’t bring myself to change the heater dial
Because I know your feet are cold.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my poem If you'd like a performance of this piece let me know. I normally write post related to music, but I spent 20 years as a performance poet touring. This piece is one I actually didn't perform much.

-dj FUGLY
Electronic Music Producer
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