Steemit school of poetry 100 days challenge. #Day5—Still I rise
You may record me in history
With your intense, contorted untruths,
You may trod me in the extrem soil
Yet at the same time, similar to cleanliness, I'll rise.
Does my brazenness irritate you?.
Why do you assail me with anguish?
'Cause I walk like I have oil wells
Drawing in my front room.
Much the same as moons and like suns,
With the conviction of tides,
Much the same as expectations springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you need to see me broken?
Bowed head and brought down eyes?
Shoulders tumbling down like tears,
Debilitated by my heartfelt cries?
Does my haughtiness affront you?
pixabay image
Don't you take it terrible hard
'Cause I giggle like I have gold mines
Diggin' in my own particular patio.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may slaughter me with your disdain,
Yet at the same time, similar to air, I'll rise.
Does my hotness irritate you?
Does it come as an amazement
That I move like I have jewels
At the gathering of my thighs?
Out of the hovels of history's disgrace
I rise
Up from a past that is established in torment
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I rise
I'm a dark sea, jumping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Abandoning evenings of dread and dread
I rise
Into a dawn that is wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the endowments that my precursors gave,
I am the fantasy and the expectation of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Propelled by Michael Jackson song: "They don't care about us"
I remain my humble self @dhavey
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Hey @dhavey, this is a great entry! I really loved this piece. I wanted to ask for clarification on a couple lines that I couldn't completely grasp or seem like they might need to be rephrased:
What did you intend here? Normally, this would be phrased "the extreme soil" (adjective instead of adverb.)
I think I see what you're going for hear! Maybe consider the possibilities "similar to cleanliness, I'll rise" "similar to the clean, I'll rise" or "similar to something clean, I'll rise" so that the phrase is addressing a noun.
Possible modifications are "Why do you assail (me) with anguish?" or "Why are you assailing me with anguish?"
These were the main phrases that stuck out to me as awkward in English. However, you have an amazing sense of expression and intuition for poetry. The repetition of "I rise" in so many different contexts had an uplifting effect. I also really enjoyed the casual nature of the fourth stanza.
There was a playfulness here that made it a pleasure to read. Thanks again for a great piece! Keep in mind all of the above are just suggestions, but I wanted to give some detailed feedback to your poem :-D Have an awesome day!
Thanks, I just made the necessary correctn, am glad you stopped by @d-pend
Nice one brother really enjoyed reading this
Thanks
This is to inform on the behalf of @d-pend that your poetry is seen for the 100 day challenge. Keep up the good work.
OK. Thanks.