Who Would I Be Today Had You But Lived? - Original Poetry

One of the joys, and hazards, of going through old boxes of papers and memorabilia is finding blasts from the past that are not what we were expecting to find.

And with my years-long penchant for writing on 3x5 cards, they can be anywhere, in the most innocuous of places.

Such as a couple of days ago, when I brought a box back from the other house to go through, and the first thing that came to my hand was a two-part poem I wrote; the first part, from me to the child I lost through miscarriage, and the second part, from that child back to me.

The poem/s are undated, but I found them with a couple of others dated 4 April 2002, which is most fitting.

This is the period shortly after Ted died, my first true love, but before I found out about his death; though I clearly knew on some level, as my writing from that period reveals.

The poem is written about events that took place years earlier, when I was involved with another man I loved deeply, and for some time thought I would marry, but who for his own reasons wanted no children.

Which, at the time, left me feeling very alone in the world.

Although there were people in my life who would have listened, I had numbed myself following the miscarriage, didn't feel up to discussing how I was really feeling, and thus kept it to myself. Not, in the end, the best choice I could have made, as I later learned.

The only change I have made is to complete the final line in the first part of the poem.

The second part I left as it was, ending in a question, the whole poem being in effect one long soliloquy, told from two different perspectives.

Who Would I Be Today Had You But Lived?

Would I have shown you the ocean and the art museum
and the wisteria in violent bloom?
Or would I have set you in front of the television
with instructions not to disturb me?

Would I have risen to the responsibility
and crossed that final painful threshold into adulthood?
Or would I have remained the cringing child
my own neglectful parents raised?

Would you have raised me beyond
my perceived limitations?
Or would my own faulty thoughts
have gotten the best of both of us?

I might have finally become the person
I wanted to be . . .
and so might you have done,
had you but lived.

Part II

Who Would You Be Today Had I But Lived?

Would you have shared your love for Newfoundlands
and sharks and fragrant roses?
Or would you have decided it was too much for you
and given me up?

Would you have told me our family history
while protecting me from its destructive members?
Or would you have handed me over to them
as you were handed over so many years before me?

Would you have told me who my father was?
Or would you have made up a better story?

Could I have helped you grow and stretch yourself,
be better than you could be on your own?
Or would I have caused you
even greater pain?

Would we have spent our afternoons at the beach,
at the art museum, in the mountains and exploring our world?
Or would we have spent them watching TV
to keep ourselves numb?

---

The timing in finding these is interesting, to say the least.

My next-door-neighbor's son and his wife just had their first baby on 8 October, and named her Cora, which is ironically what our neighbor behind them has called me for years, even though my name is actually Cori.

Still, it is a nice symmetry, and she is very much her own girl already. Needless to say, she and I hit it off at once.

My gift to her was a boxed set I actually bought for myself, some time ago, of Roald Dahl's children's books. It is never to early to bring good books into a child's life, and if I'm going to be reading to her, at least there will be books I too can enjoy. ;-)

So do I regret not having children of my own? Yes. And no.

For me, the timing was off, as the only men I actually wanted to have kids with did not want to have kids with me.

Could I have had kids anyway? Yes, but as a child of divorced parents, I really wanted to provide any kids I had with a stable home life, and I wasn't convinced that I could provide that alone.

The larger issue, however, was that though I had a wonderful family in many ways, they were also highly dysfunctional, and I wasn't convinced that I could protect my kids from that influence.

And, quite honestly, I wasn't sure I was unselfish enough to give them everything they needed.

But I've been blessed to have a lot of wonderful kids in my life, several of whom are now adult friends, my animals have always been my family, and I'm finally married to my best friend.

So I'm not lacking love in my life, and now I get regular baby visits with Cora, not to mention our fast and furious kitten energy from Truffle.

So life is wonderful and getting better, better and better, despite the twists and turns we take along the way, and often even because of them.

Be blessed, everyone!

This post, and all those from now until the end of 2018, I am dedicating to the work of #tarc and #yah, aka @rhondak's nonprofit Appalachian dog rescue, and @sircork's international charity, @youarehope.

Half the liquid proceeds earned from my posts will be evenly split between the two organizations, and more when I can manage it.

The photos above were taken by me within the past several weeks with my Samsung Note 8 smartphone.

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