The sin of hopelessness ...

Jesus in heaven,
during the last few weeks I have failed you once again.

I have let my sadness,
my own pain,
misery,
loneliness,
cloud my perspective and pervert my judgment.

I failed many of those I have claimed to love,
I have chosen "escapism and nihilism" out of disgust for my fellow man.

I have hidden myself from them for fear of showing them who I was,
who I am.

What was it my mom and sister said?
Days before they died, 2 years apart?
"Dan, don't be ashamed of who you are."
I've been trying to understand the meaning of that ever since.

But then I look in the mirror and I see the truth.
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed because the flaws I see in others are my own.

I am ashamed because I have been unwilling to greet the world,
without drink,
without mask,
without force-fields at maximum.

I am ashamed because I have despised the human race.

For Our war-mongering,
our scape-goating,
our unwillingness to accept responsiblity for our situation.
Our desire to find someone,
anyone,
to blame for our many problems,
trials.

The truth, dear Lord:
We got ourselves into this horrid mess,
we must get ourselves out of it.

But the nihilism calls so strongly,
and I know that voice is not yours.

The voice of abandon,
surrender,
negation.

The voice that causes us to look away,
to pretend we didn't see that homeless person.

The voice that tells us to accept "power as power".
The voice that tells us that "we are meant to be ruled".

I know that is the voice of Lucifer,
the Devil,
the ultimate misanthrope.

A monstrous voice,
having just one desire,
and a single,
methodical,
diabolical purpose:

To turn man and woman against each other.
To turn children against parents and parents against children.
To sow terror and angst and defeatism.
To build a world kingdom based on tyranny and fear.
To obliterate human dignity and freedom.
To do all of this,
until there are no people left alive.
Pure misanthropy - pure evil.

I have let myself,
if only temporarily,
become a misanthrope,
again,
as well,
and in that sense I have once again turned my back on you,
dear Lord.

But grace is always there,
and it is never too late to turn my face towards you.

Here is what I will do:

I will wake up tomorrow,
I will go to work,
I will exercise,
I will communicate,
I will try to remember those things that are joyful and good,
I will try to trust,
and have faith,
and believe in my fellow man,
and I will keep trying,
repeatedly,
and then try again.

I don't know how much time I have left to get this right,
to keep trying,
none of us do.

But,
with God's grace,
and some patience,
I still have time.

God,
watch over the people of this world,
look out for my friends and family whom I love,
provide comfort for the poor,
provide hope for the hopeless,
be an inspiration to those with power,
so they do what is right.

God,
don't give up on me,
don't give up on us.

Not that you would,
you keep giving us further opportunities.

Humans suck sometimes,
I know this,
but sometimes they are courageous,
sometimes they are good,
sometimes they are amazing as well.

AMEN