Empty

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I have failed myself
I have failed my family
I have failed my loved ones
I have failed life
I have nothing left to live for

---

The first thing I see
Is a face peering down at me.
One face, two faces, maybe three.
They first look before they smile,
Before they tickle me.
I think they like my laughter.
I’m not sure but their faces change
Whenever I refuse to laugh,
Before they scoop me up,
Patting my freshly powdered behind.
It doesn’t matter that I just emptied my bladder.

The second thing I see
Is my uneven limbs,
Struggling to stand and take a step.
The faces are around me,
Clapping and cheering.
I giggle before I plowed back down
On the hard floor,
My legs tingling,
My arms sweaty.
They hoot and call me a champ.
I ignore them and frown at my bruised toe.

The third thing I see
Is blood on my dress.
I knew it would come,
Mother told me about it.
She also told me what will happen
If a boy touches me.
I want to play like I used to.
To run around naked and under the rain.
But my chest is getting big
And boys are staring at me.
I have to cover myself more.

The fourth thing I see
Is a child on my arms.
Happy faces making merry,
Old men cracking unfunny jokes.
Like a déjà vu it comes back,
The cheers when I took my first step,
The screams when I said my first word.
I look down at the little one
With a face so serene
And wonder if I’ll find peace.
I already glimpsed what it’s like.

The fifth thing I see
Is blood on my hands.
Not from my sign of womanhood,
Nor from my broken Innocence.
I have gone against everything I was thought.
A woman’s body belongs to her husband, they say.
It doesn’t matter if there’re bruises and pain,
Or if I’m being taken against my will.
I made my body mine
And I ended a life.
There’s nothing left for me.

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I have failed life
I have failed mother nature
I have failed love
I have failed the creator
I have nowhere to go

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