"Lost" SSPC 52
source
In the sequestered solace
Of a thousand thoughts
I grinned off
Lost in effiminate beauty
Wandering the paths
Of the Sage
I grinned on
Amused by constant brawls
Of the human
They had not learned
To scale the slippery ropes
Peacefully
I wiped a tear
Flowing so peacefully
Along with the Child's
That mourned a dad, mum
And self.
I shook my head pitifully
Here i belonged
Here there is no beauty
Just dull monotones
Of a beating heart.
I love your use of the phrase “sequestered solace” indicating the purposeful and intentional calling for peace of mind. I can imagine In light of the reality depicted by the rest of the poem this is a difficult task. It is hard to find “effeminate beauty” in such situations but probably very easy to get lost in it.
The contrast between your somewhat detached “journey as a sage” and the harsh and impelling reality of war and loss is unsettling and I sense that is on purpose.
I feel the last stanza needs more development and transition. I get the sense that you stepped up to what may appear to be some higher plane of existence in the first stanza, with more of an overarching view. But I don’t see the step down, just suddenly finding yourself back in the midst of it all.
I think the phrase “grinned on” works well as a transition to stepping up. Maybe you could reserve the phrase “grinned off” for the transition of stepping down in the last stanza.
The use of the word monotone in the last stanza is so fitting and enhances the contrast of this poem. I feel the different structure of the last stanza also adds to the contrast and works, but for me keeping the same structure feels better.
I want you to know that I appreciate the cultural messages of your poetry. It’s important that people understand the horrors and realities of war. It is one step towards ending it.
Wow..this is a near perfect one. I really appreciate it.
Yes i feel the last stanza should have been developed more but i just didnt do it.
It seems this critique rule would work out great, seeing expositions on my poems like this brings a really grea feeling.
My friend @blessedben. Your poem confuses me today. Maybe the correlation with the images causes it. But, the fact is that I'm "Lost." Please, find me and shake me out of the daze that your writing left me, which is always good.
Haha..yeah i knew most would definitely be "lost" today.
That is why i avoided adding reading notes.
Can you try to "find yourself" by telling my what you understand from the poem?
I perceive that the lyric speaker refers to the smile that the human being has lost because of so many heavy things experienced. Inhospitable environments, ugliness instead of beauty. And he proclaims that beauty is not on the outside, but on the delicacy of a familiar look, on roots, on emotions ...