Erased - Original Poem
Erased
if I were on paper, would you erase me?
slowly, line by fading line? Or would you
light the fire in the old chimney
and set a match?
or would you rather do nothing at all,
as if you and I were a nothing? And are you
regretting what could have been
with someone more like you
and not a bit like me?
one who is grace and kindness and a soft,
soft touch at all the right times?
If I were on paper
would I crinkle my farewells
to those I liked before you and I
were a you and I? Or would you render me
mute even when
not much is left to me or you
but old stones speaking our
promises, unkept? In an unkempt city
dirtied
by the waters of its rivers, and our lust
and the too young love. Unknowable as the first
kiss and a stiff hug, barely
improper.
if I were on paper, would you still be
the you that I know? Or have I, too,
erased you by becoming more, and less than
just me and you?
if I were on paper, would you colour me in?
would you make me pretty as I’d once been?
and would you tread gently upon all I’d seen,
all I’d been?
if I were on paper.
Special thanks to @carolkean and @geekorner on help and encouragement with this piece. Might not have posted it otherwise.
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Now that I can finally comment :P
I love the imagery that is related to papers. Match (fire), crinkling, erase, colour (yes I use British English), tread. They're good in themselves, but in the cohesion of it all, it does elevate it to another level.
The dichotomies in each scenario are quite strong as well. Powerful in their uncertainty. I can relate to it on my crazy days: my mind imagining all the best and worst possible extremes. It sometimes hurts to know that the other person could have had a better life without you - even though that reality might be only in one's head.
Great write, I'll hope to read more from you (on my good days).
Thanks, Jeremy. I miss the U we, Stateside had given up in so many words all too willingly. But alas. Glad you came by and read this. Sadder that you could relate. Part of the human condition, I guess.
There's always the good and the bad side. At least, even if the other person could have a better life, they choose to be with you. They're not after the best they could ever have (if there is any better). They're happy to be with you and that is all that matters <3
You can still keep alive the "U", do not give in to this lack of poetry in single words!
Yes, and at times, I'm not to lazy to un-autocorrect all the Us back where they belong. This wasn't one of those times. sigh
Do what I do, set your language as English (UK) instead of English (USA), and then the auto-correct gets the hint ;-)
I love this poem!!
Every line -
if I were on paper would you erase me?
slowly, line by fading line? Or would you
light the fire in the old chimney
and set a match?
In a good way, this reminds me of Robert Frost - (your verse is more sophisticated, of course, than Frost's!)
Some say the world will end in fire, / Some say in ice. / From what I've tasted of desire / I hold with those who favor fire. / But if it had to perish twice...
I love, love, love lines like these:
Uknowable as the first
kiss. And a stiff hug, barely
improper.
I love that you had to preface the poor Robert Frost mention with "in a good way". He never was one of my favorites.... I think in my head I was channeling Joni Mitchell cum Auden with a bit of Brodsky's deceptively small words and simple (at times) rhymes thrown in. But that's just me, of course :-)
Love you for loving this @carolkean
*I always liked Robert Frost, myself
But I love Robert Service, panned by the intelligentsia.
Lovely, thanks for sharing
Thank you for reading :-)
I like two things about this poem:
The sense of longing. It's not quite loss. It's not quite regret. But it's longing. Not just to a person, but to what was, and to what has never been.
The imagery, the "crinkle" in particular, with the image of the sheet of paper.
And, what is a poem but emotions and imagery? Some would say form, but honestly, that's just scaffolding to make use of what is, and to pass on what is meant. Good job, Inna. Definitely not something you should've felt worried about the reception of.
And readers, make no mistake, while some pieces I have my hand in, in this one, it was mostly providing the moral support for Inna to make a change she thought of making anyway, and to know the piece is more than good enough to be shared :)
Gorgeous work here and beautifully done -- those images do jump off the page ever so bold, yet there is a translucent, delicate flow to the words.
Bravo! :)
Thank you kindly @mamadini and lovely to 'meet' you. Heard a lot about you :-) All good!
Very nice to meet you as well. :)
I love this poem. From the first line: "if I were on paper, would you erase me?", it tracks a brilliant metaphor through its various implications with a precision and delicacy that expose layers of meaning both intricate and beautiful. Each question asked is heart wrenching, raw, and vulnerable in a new and different way.
What a lovely comment, @bennetitalia. Thank you!!! I’m a fan of you, your words. Your music. Happy to have found you here....
Strangely enough, when I wrote this, it felt almost a song. You can feel free to play with it that way if you like:-)
Hmmmm... it would make a good song. It would require a significant structural overhaul tho, the free form of the poem is beautiful but not suited to the straightforward verse-chorus-verse structure of most songs. Would you want to try your hand at rewriting it as lyrics? If so (or even if you can get them a little closer, so I'm not messing with your personal voice too much) I'll edit them (if needed) and add music.
I'm a fan of yours too :)
I love your manipulation of the English language. A few places made me stumble, but I think it was designed that way, like "...to those I liked before you and I were a you and I?"
The art that goes with is awesome too!
Thanks for sharing :D
LOL - that was one of my favorite lines!
Before you and I were a you and I - good use of repetition.
I
If you were on paper...virtual paper, I would upvote you and tell you how much I appreciated your contribution...
That's awfully sweet of you :-)
;)
Wow, the beginning is so powerful! I loved it those lines. It creates a world of possibilities. Amazing
Thank you @hayleeng for reading this! and the sweet words.