...An ode to no-one...
... or to the one that I fear, the one I love...
what is an ode anyway? It sounds so real and so plastic.
... wanting to describe something that cannot be explained. Fear. Love, terror...
Is like wanting to say "I yearn to be in your arms, fall asleep and feel your warmth" and only being able to say "night". Is wanting to say "I die to hear your voice whispering on my ear" and only being able to say "how are you". Fear of the next goodbye, of the next disappearance. Fear that you might vanish again.
I look at the night sky and cannot see Orion, again giving me strength, the warrior. It's been long now and stars keep moving around again. Days become weeks, that become months....and the night sky keeps going forwards whilst I think I am stuck in a no-way-out.
My will to leave it all behind, to move on, to be free. Free to be.
I look around and see all the chains disguised as circumstances that trap me and I could just ignore it all, but cannot throw my last five years to the bin. That would not be going forwards, and I am not getting younger.
Work work work work work...
My disguise to keep me strong and moving on. The element that paints my face with a facade of ok-ness whilst inside I am all broken and empty. Weight on me, more bricks on my shoulders every day and I don´t really know if I will be able to hold them all at some point.
We know when this is over some things will end. We know when this is over there will be no excuse to say hi, on the other end. And then life will show us the real path. One last chance.
Time is grabbing me by my neck and doesn't let me breath well, strangling me as it flows and pushing my stomach harder and harder, and my heart tighter and tighter.
"night" - I say. "why do your cold words just give me drops of indifference with every sentence?" - I really think. Why do I do that to myself? Why can't I just say "very soon we'll be together", and "I die just to be able to see you face to face", hold your hand and simply say "Hi, finally." Only that. That's all I wish right now. I don't know what would follow, maybe just "ok, goodbye", or "meet me again" I don´t know, as it won't depend on me.
But why do I have to refrain myself from being myself? Why am I still insisting in thinking I will be accepted? why?