Venting - anxiety

Venting, as to say
when your fingers want to type faster than your thoughts colliding in your head
all, everything, all happening at once,
the mountains become steeper to climb, higher, longer, lonelier

Wanting to cry but also to close your eyes, breathing but also not breathing,
submerging in heartbeats that feel will be the last one....
... breathing faster, slower, trying to calm down

tears break out the eyes and won´t stop
family, friends, life, love, feelings, strength...
it all seems too much at times
it feels too much at times
it just feels too much
and you cannot tell anybody
because you are the strong one
you are the iron person,
the one that takes it all in
the one that has to, and so prefers, to make things happen
the one that must take the most difficult decisions and be blamed for that
and be criticized for that, as if it had not been thought throughout

forgetting how to write the words,
they not making sense
wondering if that´s the spelling, if that word exists

it all becomes alien
escape
wanting to escape
and having nowhere to

trapped in my mind
and with no arms to run to
no arms to hope for, to wish to see
no feeling safe to go to anymore
no thoughts of safety anymore
emptiness

all so distant
even I feel distant from myself

so alien

trying t find refuge in the letters that calm me
those that are for me and perhaps nobody else
and that is great, that is sufficient

trying to find ways to run away from my feelings
away from my sense of emptiness
from this hollow

... from broken wishes, broken dreams,
from the hope I was holding on to
the literature that was there to not be there

the fuel that pushed me every day,
the energy that made me want to carry on...

but the hollow... the hollow

how big is that hollow.... may the anxiety fill it
and flatten it all, so it can all be back to normal...