PUSHING UPSTREAM PODCAST: An Adoptee's Search - 003 :: My Search Is Over (with transcript)

This is probably the most important post I've made during my 2+ years on this platform.
After searching for only about a month, I found her.

Transcript:

Hello everyone. Thank you for tuning into episode 003 of the Pushing Upstream podcast. Today is August 5th. It’s been a little longer since the last episode than I intended, but for a good reason.

I’ve been having a difficult time trying to find a way to word this episode, and that’s because when I try, it seems to fall flat. I can’t seem to find a way that does justice to the experience I’ve had over these last few weeks.

On Monday, July 16...I found my birth mom. Here I am with episode 003, and I’ve already found her. Actually, a statement that would be closer to the truth is that we found each other. She started looking for me just over six years ago, leaving entries on adoption databases which, before I found her, I didn’t even know existed.
As I’ve said in previous episodes, I joined several closed groups on Facebook specifically for people in my position or in a birth parents position and who are now looking to reunite. Every single day in these groups, people are posting information regarding their birthdate, birth location, and adoption information in hopes that someone there may recognize it or be able to match it up with other information posted by someone else. In these groups are people called search angels, and these people research public documents and databases to see if they can find matching information for the people who are posting there. And this is exactly what happened to me. On one of the groups in which I unintentionally neglected to post my information at first, I finally got it posted and within just about an hour or so I received a private message from one of the search angels. In that message, she sent me a screenshot from an entry on a database that I was not yet familiar with, which had been placed there in 2012 by a birthmother searching for a son she put up for adoption as a newborn in 1979.

All of the information in this entry was spot on, except that she said she’d been told on multiple occasions by the caseworker who handled the adoption that the adopted parents had named the child David. Well, my name is very much not David. So, needless to say, my guard was up, but I was hopeful. Although, I had gotten my hopes up a bit too high with the first person that I had contact with only to find out that I was on the wrong trail.

The search angel then sent me a link to a Facebook profile of someone with the same name as the woman who posted the database entry. As I looked through the photos that were publicly visible on her profile, I came across an old black-and-white photo of a young man who I presumed (and later confirmed) was her father. That photo immediately brought to mind my 10th grade yearbook photo because there were some very striking similarities. The chin, the hair, the smile... The resemblance alone helped me believe that I was possibly on the right path this time.

Now, you have to understand that while all of this was happening I was at work. So I didn’t have a lot of attention that I could give all of this information no matter how bad I wanted to. So, I contacted my fiancé at home and sent her the information and asked her to look into it. Within just about 15 or 20 minutes, she was asking me if she could contact her for me. It took me a few minutes to think about, because I felt like I should be the one to reach out first, but eventually I gave her the go ahead. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe just another dead end. I’ve been so convinced since I started my search just one month ago that I would be doing this for years before even finding any useful information. I didn’t believe that I would actually find her so quickly. But here we are. I did it.

Aside from how I went about actually finding her, a popular question among my friends and family after I broke the news to them was, how did we come to the final conclusion that we were indeed the people we were both looking for without having to get a copy of my original birth certificate or doing a DNA test? If you listened to episode 002, then you heard me read the letter that she’d written to me at the time of the adoption. That letter was written on a specific stationary that I’ve come to know like the back of my hand over the years; the color of the paper, the floral letterhead design, and of course the handwriting itself. When she began her search in 2012, she wrote another letter, this time addressed to the mysterious “David”. She acquired a list of all the people in Missouri who were born on the same day that I was - she crossed off all the females and circled all the Davids, and sent a copy of that letter to each of them. A couple of them responded but, of course, only to inform her that they weren’t who she was looking for. So then here we are 6 years later when I came along. After my fiancé spoke with her briefly on Facebook and established that we actually might be who we hoped we were, I sent her a friend request when I got home from work. She accepted it almost immediately. For a couple of minutes after that, I was trying to think up of a first message to send her, but she ended up beating me to the punch. The very first message she sent me was an explanation that she’d been told my name was David, and accompanying that message was a photo of the 2012 letter. It was on the exact same green stationary with floral letterhead that was used for my birth letter 32 years previous, and the handwriting was a spot on match. My jaw was instantly on the floor. All doubt was gone. I knew I had the right person. I didn’t even need to read the letter. I did, of course, but I didn’t need to in order to know unequivocally that, for the first time in my life, I was speaking to my real mother.

And even though I’d been trying to remove any and all expectations and to keep an open and neutral mind about anything I might discover, I was readying myself to discover the worst. You’ve heard me talk about how I didn’t know if I would find questionable people, maybe a stack of mugshots, perhaps a gravestone, or worse yet, parents who didn’t want to be found and who kept me a secret. Well, I am ecstatic to report that that is not at all what I found. Not only is my birth mom alive and well, and not only does she seem to be such an amazing person, but as I said it turns out that she had also been looking for me. In addition to that, I also discovered I have two new brothers and two new sisters, all of whom have known about me for at least a decade and they seem to be excited about this new development. What further blows my mind about all of this, is that I share at least one major interest with each of them. We all seem to be very creative people. It’s been incredibly fascinating to speak with them and to essentially compare notes, because it’s quite clear to me that we all seem to be cut from the same cloth.

Every single day since the day I finally found my birth mom, I’ve had some level of contact with her. We both very much would like to have some kind of a relationship, even though we’re five states apart. In fact, flights have recently been booked and plans made for our first meeting in just a little over a month. I believe we’re both counting down the days.

Also, not only have I been informed of who my father is, but I’ve even had the chance to speak to him. He’s excited to know that I’ve found them and he does want to keep in contact, even if only so often.

So, these last three weeks have been quite the trip. I’ve finally been able to look around at people to see who I resemble, which is kind of a bizarre experience, but something I’ve been dreaming of for years.

I’m incredibly grateful for what I found, because I know that a lot of these stories don’t end so well. I would say that my experience, however, pretty easily ranks up there with the birth of my son. Obviously, there’s quite a bit of catching up to do, but a lot of questions are finally being answered, even ones I didn’t know to ask. My only wish is that my parents were still around to see it, because I know they wanted me to go through this and find out where I came from. After seeing my experience, even my sister is now motivated to finally begin her own search. I wish her all the luck in the world.

So then, what about the podcast? Is this a wrap? Are 4 episodes all we’re gonna get? I’ll happily answer that with a resounding no. Even though my search has come to an end, I’ve still got plans for this podcast. I have interviews slated to happen in coming episodes with friends of mine who have gone through similar journeys. I’ve also been paying attention to some of the interesting psychological effects that this whole event has brought on, and I want to be sure to touch on that experience periodically as the podcast progresses. So you can expect the show to continue - although I may need to update the intro.

An enormous thank you once again to my listeners. I’m sorry it took so long to bring you this episode, but hopefully now you see it was for a good reason. After everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, it took some effort to find a way to express it all - plus, since my newfound family knows about my show now, I have some new captive audience members I wanted to be sure not to disappoint. As a sidenote, I wanted to add the forewarning that I’m not completely sure when the next one - #004 - will be posted, as there will need to be a higher degree of planning and coordination involved to make it happen, but I promise we’ll get there.

In the meantime, I can’t thank you all enough for tuning in. Take care, and I’ll see you next time.