Friday night! Friday night! Friday night!

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@CarrieAllen and I have a bunch of new scripts for tonight's Playhouse, including this brand new Cat Ladies! We know how much everybody loves those old bats.

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The Cat Ladies - Episode 6 - "Focus Group"

by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

DORIS - Doesn’t like coming to this part of town
ETHEL - Gruff as ever, along for the ride
AGNES - Running an important errand.
YOUNG MAN - (played by a woman) Focus Group facilitator.

NARRATOR
In the crappiest part of town, the cat ladies approach an old shopping mall. Many of the windows are boarded and most of the stores are closed, but Agnes is on some kind of mission. Let’s see what they’re up to, shall we? Welcome to the Cat Ladies!

DORIS
Remind me again what we’re doing at this old mall, Agnes.

ETHEL
Yeah, I thought this place closed down in the nineties cause of asbestos giving folks the black lung.

AGNES
They won that court case. And it was emphysema, not the Black Lung.

ETHEL
Those might be the same thing.

AGNES
Or was it scurvy?

ETHEL
No, that’s the one pirates get.

DORIS
It looks like most of the stores are long out of business.

AGNES
That’s right, Doris. Now it’s mostly just payday loans and laser tag.

ETHEL
Good God, Agnes. Are we here to play laser tag?

AGNES
Oh Heavens no. I only play laser tag on Thursdays.

DORIS
Agnes, you never cease to surprise me. So what are we doing here?

ETHEL
Wait, wait wait. I want to know more about Agnes’s double laser tag life.

AGNES
Well, there’s not much to know. My team is training for the championship next March in Duluth. I know, it’s a long drive, but the space shuttle will get us there in no time.

ETHEL
Well I just have so many questions.

DORIS
Agnes, are you feeling alright? You don’t take space shuttles to Duluth.

ETHEL
She’s delusional. She must be having one of her episodes. You wearing your diapers, Agnes?

AGNES
No, they ride up the butt something fierce.

DORIS
Will somebody please tell me why we’re in this God-forsaken mall!

AGNES
I get my kitty litter at the Everything’s A Dollar store in back.

DORIS
You could just get your kitty litter at the corner market like everybody else. We could be at home spending quality time with our cats.

AGNES
And putting little outfits on ‘em.

ETHEL
Not everybody does that, Agnes.

AGNES
And making pillows out of their hair.

ETHEL
I’m not even gonna address that. So Agnes, your laser tag team. Are they like, real people?

AGNES
Of course they’re real, Ethel. But I’ll admit, most of ‘em are a lot younger than me.

DORIS
Do you see the laser tag team now, Agnes?

AGNES
Dammit, I’m not crazy! The Space Shuttle is just what we call Floyd’s Astro Van. Sue me. I have some hobbies you girls don’t know about.

ENTER YOUNG MAN

YOUNG MAN
Excuse me, ladies! I’d like to ask for a few minutes of your time!

AGNES
That young person is talking to us!

DORIS
It’s okay, Agnes. I’m Doris, this is Ethel and this here is Agnes, [quietly] don’t shake her hand. [normal volume] We’re the cat ladies.

YOUNG MAN
That was kind of an odd little introduction, but pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m Fred, and I represent a local polling service for political candidates. We’re currently collecting information from your demographic and we were hoping you could join us in watching a short video and answering some questions.

AGNES
Free movie!?

YOUNG MAN
That’s right, young lady! A free movie!

DORIS
And we get to answer questions!?

AGNES
I love being listened to! What did he mean by “our demographic”?

ETHEL
That means old geezers, you idiot. Finally, someone cares what the old people think. I’m in.

YOUNG MAN
Great! If you ladies would be so kind as to follow me into my office over here. [suddenly] You know, there’s a guy just over there at the other end of the mall giving out perfume samples. Maybe we should… no, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.

AGNES
What kind of questions are they going to ask us you think?

ETHEL
Don’t know. Probably about our feelings or some shit.

AGNES
I hope they’re not essay questions. I hate essay questions.

NARRATOR
And so, the cat ladies followed the young gentleman back across the broken down old mall to his “office,” which came off strangely like a janitor’s closet.

ETHEL
Did your office used to be a janitor’s closet?

YOUNG MAN
I really can’t speak to that, I don’t have enough data.

DORIS
My, so political.

ETHEL
But there’s a mop sink in the corner. There are old unlabeled cleaning chemicals on that shelf.

DORIS
Uh-oh, Agnes is going for the orange one!

ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! That’s not Powerade! Sorry. She thinks every orange liquid is Powerade.

DORIS
You just go ahead with your presentation, young man.

AGNES
I thought it was Powerade.

ETHEL
We know, Agnes. Do you even realize how often you almost die?

AGNES
Hell yes! Yolo, bitches!

DORIS
Agnes! Sorry about her. Really, go ahead.

AGNES
It’s time for our free movie. If anybody’s got popcorn, I’ve got butter.

ETHEL
Why do you have butter? Nevermind.

YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, popcorn isn’t within our budget. If you’d like to leave your email on the clipboard by the… mop sink, I’d be happy to email you a link to our interactive chat-based application so you can lodge an e-complaint.

AGNES
No thanks, I’ll just complain now.

DORIS
Agnes…

AGNES
You call this a free movie?! I even brought the butter, and you couldn’t make with the popcorn?

ETHEL
Here she goes.

AGNES
This better be the best damn movie I’ve ever seen!

DORIS
Don’t worry, she doesn’t mean it.

AGNES
I do mean it, Doris! Better than Frozen!

ETHEL
Here we go.

YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, ladies. My little video is more of a political campaign ad. I don’t think there’s any chance you’re going to think it’s better than Frozen.

DORIS
Comparisons are tough, ladies. We should probably just let it go.

AGNES
Let it go! Let it go!

ETHEL
I can’t believe you said it.

DORIS
I’m sorry, I completely forgot that was the thing from Frozen.

ETHEL
Let’s just move on and watch the political ad thing. What do you say ladies?

AGNES
Alright Ethel. We’ll watch Frozen later.

YOUNG MAN
Okay ladies. Eyes up here. What you’re about to see is a campaign ad for Lester Fromp, one of our candidates for City Council.

ETHEL
Never heard of him.

DORIS
Is he with the Middleton Fromps?

YOUNG MAN
I don’t know.

DORIS
Well, I used to do bible study with a nice couple named Glenn and Judy Fromp. Moved to Middleton years ago.

ETHEL
Nobody cares, Doris.

DORIS
I only mention it because they were always talking about their son Lester’s drinking problem.

YOUNG MAN
Attention please!

ETHEL
That’s okay, Doris. All our City Councilors are drunks.

YOUNG MAN
Ma’am! That’s not Powerade!

ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! Do we need to tie you to that chair?

YOUNG MAN
[quickly] Alright, I’m just gonna play the video. You can watch it if you want.

NARRATOR
And so the young man played Mr. Fromp’s campaign video. Let’s just say… the Cat Ladies were not impressed.

AGNES
What was wrong with his face?

YOUNG MAN
That’s just his face. Any other questions?

ETHEL
I don’t trust him.

YOUNG MAN
Okay… let’s go with that. Why don’t you trust him, Ethel?

ETHEL
I don’t like the look of his stupid face. Is he a Globalist or Nationalist?

DORIS
Ethel, I don’t think all that matters so much at the local level.

ETHEL
Ha! That’s where you’re wrong. The evil pope has been installing globalist elites at the lowest levels of city government. I call it “Trickle-Up Tyranny.”

AGNES
Fromp. Fromp. Fromp!

DORIS
He did say he cares about the little people.

AGNES
You mean midgets? Who cares about midgets?

ETHEL
Fromp does.

AGNES
I’ll vote for that! Protect the midgets!

YOUNG MAN
Ladies, ladies! I’d love to continue this wonderfully focused conversation with you and flush out some of those midget-protection plans and conspiracy theories, but it’s time for my lunch break. They don’t pay me overtime.

AGNES
Do you at least have some free stuff for us?

YOUNG MAN
Absolutely I do. Here, take these questionnaires home, fill them out at your convenience and just mail them back to our office. Don’t show up there. Just mail them.

AGNES
Excellent. My kitties will help me fill this out later.

NARRATOR
And so, the Cat Ladies emerge from the young gentleman’s humble office and begin walking toward the Everything Is A Dollar Store at the back of the dilapidated mall. All three of them are confused and disoriented after the Focus Group, but honestly, most experiences leave the Cat Ladies confused and disoriented.

DORIS
I can’t believe that young man who used to huff gasoline is running for city council.

ETHEL
It’s a new world, Doris. We’re gonna be electing gas-huffers, cry babies, ex-cons, people with tattoos, even librarians.

AGNES
Not librarians! I hate librarians!

ETHEL
We all do, Agnes. We all do.

DORIS
It’s okay, girls. We’re old. We won’t have to see much more of this crazy crap.

NARRATOR
At the Everything is A Dollar Store, Agnes finds the cat litter she requires. It takes both employees to assist the ladies in carrying the mass of litter to the Buick, and it was very gracious of them to help, considering the mess that Agnes made during her… shopping. That was utterly disgusting, to say the least. Anyway! Join us next time on The Cat Ladies!

The End

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