If they don't make you better
I was talking with a student recently, a bit older and happily married. We were talking about relationships and he was saying how in the past, people were more committed to their relationships and more likely to stay together. I agree although, there are many factors to this.
What we did go onto discuss though was something a little bit different. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't make you better or, brings out the best in you? People talk about healthy relationships and I think that should definitely be a part, a relationship that challenges us directly or indirectly to be our best.
I think this is the same for any relationship. I mentioned to someone yesterday about having a reference group that inspires rather than a group that approves. To be inspired means to light a flame and compel action and when done healthily, we will improve continually as individuals. Living in a world seeking approval however can lead into a position where we keep getting the pats on the back but, we may lose ourselves and become a product of society rather than an agent of our actions.
In a romantic relationship this is not always easy as we carry expectations about the way it is meant to be and how we are meant to feel. So when challenge arrives, when we must improve we might feel that a relationship should accept us for who we are. Perhaps it should but, do we accept us for who we are?
If we aren't willing to attempt to improve ourselves, to be better for the person we share our intimate lives with, who are we willing to improve for as their experience and our own are inextricably linked. Why stay? If we aren't willing to be better for those we care about, do we care at all? We want the upside as long as we don't have to work for it?
I have noticed with my daughter that no matter how tired I am, how bad my day was, how many bills are piling up on my desk or how bad my physical, emotional, psychological state, she makes me not only want to be better, she forces me to be better. I am a better person because of her.
This of course raises other questions in me chiefly, If I am willing to push myself to the limits for her, why am I much less willing to do it for myself? Should there even be the gap? Maybe my daughter should not inspire me to be better as I have already made the moves to be my best as it is. She might of course direct how and in what direction I travel with it though due to my responsibilities to her.
For my wife too. What is the point if she doesn't help me realize my shortfalls, help me be a better man? She shouldn't really even have to say unless of course, I am not paying attention, I am unaware. Being unaware of this would point to self absorption which is of course interesting since this is about improving the self which means the hurdle to our own improvement is ourselves yet, we may be unlike to see this without the mirror of others.
We are social animals and it is due to our reliance on each other that we are able to tackle challenges much larger than ourselves and see just why we need to be better tomorrow, than we are today.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
I read about this issue in the case of friendship. The writer described that if your friend doesn't make you a better version of yourself, then you're free to leave the relationship. But when it's marriage, I think it's supposed to be a one-way trip, if your life partner is your friend, then you're supposed to know if he/she makes you better before you say "I do".
I would say that relationships/love are about what you put into it, and not what you get out of it, but I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I give everything and get nothing.
Knowing before hand is going to be an increasingly hard thing to do as people's social skills decline aas does investment into each other.
Hard, but it's not impossible.
I do agree. You often leave no room for some different opinions to pop up as your posts analyses a topic from A to Z. Readers have to delve further deep to find a space to give an opinion atleast somewhat related to the post!
The tag 'Social beings' is impossible to seperate from us. In my dreams, my life partner should be a person who makes me feel like my life is as important as anyone else. The person who is gonna be with me by my side until death should be able to feel herself to be the best possible version due to the inspiration she gets from my mere presence.
Are you the kind of person that deserves such a position. As someone once said, be the change...
I loved this. Beautifully written. I feel like the world would be a better place if people understood that relationships were made to reflect who we are, and we can improve ourselves with that. And it's like you said, we should already try to improve for ourselves, but often people show us why we need to..
If it is only an individual in the world, there is no need to ever consider any of this. It is not who we are though.
Oh man, you bring up several deep questions here. The fear of abandonment runs so deep in most of us and I have surely spent a lot of time looking for approval. It is terrible because in fact we dont give people the real version of ourselves. Is it our relationships that encourage us to change? I think it comes to a point where we need to change in order to have a better experience of life itself. We do risk loosing friends for sure, and we do and that hurts but we just have to stay true to our own journey and trust the outcome will be better for everyone :-) I find that in times of change, when we align ourselves to our hearts desire we attract people who seem to come in to test us or help us evolve in some way. They might not be the people we keep as friends but over time we find the people that make us feel at home. people that uplift, inspire and that we can trust. Big question is, why is self love such a hard lesson for so many?
Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves. We just blame others when things don't go as we expected.
I think people too often confuse it with selfish. There is plenty of that.
This is a truth that I have troubled me as I have kept running into people that I would rather hope I am not alike, so with help, I have finally understood that what I run into is a reflection of unsolved blockages within myself, and those I meet are merely here to help me see and evolve. At least this a solution that I can find encouraging :-) I also agree there are really plenty of selfish people around. Maybe if we learned self love it would not so current. Self love is also respecting others and seeing the bigger picture of unity. Or something like that :-)
We are all human beings connected together, we are nature, and nature is us, looking to improve others is per to improving oneself.
This should be the bedrock of every relationship
People don't seem to understand how connected we all are.
Marriage is a one time thing. One has to project the spouse they want and find that person before you marry just anybody. Realizing that once you’re in you’re in it. If unluckily one is hooked with what they didn’t project. It is best to leave. In my opinion, a lot of things have caused the damage of prelationships, technology including. In my opinion, been single is better than been in a frustrating marriage.
Imagine if we could surround ourselves by people that always wanted the best for us. The things we could accomplish! 🐓🐓
It would be great wouldn't it? Most couldn't deal with the criticism that is sure to arrive though.
The need for approval is linked with the use of social media. Living in two separate worlds very often we change our real life to fit the virtual one. Trading our true feelings and life situations for a fake trend meant to give us likes and yeah...approval.
It existed well before social media, I am old enough to know that. Social media has perhaps enhanced it and made it acceptable.
"Love is a verb" or "We only accept the love we think we deserve". I just searched in my closet of clichés and I found these, which are both to be linked to your questions.
I agree with you. I'm sorry. I know I want you to be inspired, but I have to agree with your words. I think the ultimate goal in life is about working toward a better version of yourself, until you're gone. Lifelong learning is something that you can and should apply to almost every aspect of life, and sometimes people forget relationships shouldn't be taken for granted in that sense.
And the lessons come from everywhere. What we give is reflected in other's eyes but most aren't paying attention.
I agree. I think the chief problem here - in why there's a gap between what we see and what others see - is that we know ourselves too well. We know our own demons and for better or worse, must accept them, in order to live. I don't mean not fight them, it's just that we're more lenient with them.
But we don't want/expect that from the people we love. Because we know those demons, those internal problems are wrong and that our loved ones deserve better.
Receive your demons, make friends with them, discuss at length and then part ways.
I'm writing that on my wall, somewhere. I would've said it's hard to accept your demons, but thinking about it, I realize it's harder to part ways.
Excellent advice :)