Knowing how your narcissist - a ticking time bomb... part 3
Contrary to popular (media hyped ) belief...The narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath are not that fascinating.
In fact, I would say they're eminently some of the most boring dull individuals that there are.
They are stuck in a cycle - a self created hamster wheel- one that they're happy to continue going around, and around,and around, on.
Even serial killers - once you view them dispassionately, and view their actions forensically - You soon see that they are nothing more than repetition personified.
Hardly very interesting....
In this post, I'll be referring (occasionally) to this ecosystem - known as Hive
Ok, so carrying on from yesterdays post....
To really know -understand- how the covert narcissist ticks, we need to delve into the things that the narcissist fears .
By knowing these fears and pushing the specific buttons to see their reactions - you can identify the covert narcissist.
It a process that works very well, I assure you.
These are the most sensitive areas to the covert narcissist is..
that they fear exposure.
As I tried to emphasize in my last post - narcissists are, by their very definition, extremely concerned with IMAGE.
Their image, of how other people perceive them.
They're very heavily invested in this projection of their image to the world.
Hence their sensitivity to anything that challenges that image.
(I purposefully use the word 'image' repeatedly in these posts - as it is that important to understand).
Projected image ranks so high on their internal 'importance list' that they consider any challenge or exposure to it as a very real threat to their survival.
Their sense of existing in the real world depends on that false self image staying intact.
So obviously - Having that false image exposed is terrifying to them.
For example , the block chain is a covert narcissists worst enemy - everything is kept on record...Being accountable is not a narcissists favorite place to be.
(does this go some way to explain the 'sloth like' speed of take up, of using block chain as a social media platform?....Mmmmmm...)
If their constructed image is one of being a bullying, sadistic psychopath - then exposing them as a bullying, sadistic, psychopath - ain't gonna work.
It's not exposing anything.
However - If there projected self image is one of caring, sensitive, intellectual, generous,(community minded?)... then exposing them as the opposite of that projection is a real, deep down, primal fear.
The first example above - offers no leverage (and would actually feed the narcissist).
The second example exposes the narcissist thus affording you leverage.
Insight.
Closely connected to the fear of exposure, is the second point.
(this is one of the ways to easily identify the narcissist).
The narcissists chronic fear of any sort of defiance.
Defiance represents a loss of control to them.
So when you become authentically defiant, they then become fearful.
Anxious, defensive, aggressive.
Defiance, you see, could lead to exposure.
Your acts of defiance may enable other people to see through the facade.
The next fear (all these are inter connected in some way, but it helps to separate them out to inspect).
Loss.... (abandonment issues).
They massively fear loss.
The loss of narcissistic supply especially (adoration).
So , if you challenge them and threaten to deny them that supply, (due to exposure) it will then really 'trigger' their defensive mechanisms.
If you find yourself asking (in your own head) questions about someone and their personality - whether in real life, or on hive (or any other social platform) think of utilizing the 'defiance technique' to dig deeper.
Attack with defiance, and observe the reaction s....
Remember ...
...images is everything to them.
Maintaining the idea of who they are - and how they are seen in the eyes of the community, is so hugely important.
(I've known at least 19 users on hive who tick all the 'covert narcissist' boxes).
Their behavior and expressions have one goal - It's all about maintaining narcissistic supply (adoration).
Hence they fear open defiance.
Real defiance will, eventually, lead to being observed out in the open - by the community - thus potentially threatening to detach from narcissists - and thus cutting off the 'narcissistic supply' - the adoration.
'Yes men', 'the conformist', 'the conflict averse' 'the politician' 'politically correct' 'nice people' - are not necessarily covert narcissists - but it is an indicator - a box to tick - to be aware of.
Once you can defy their world view - the false image no longer holds sway over you anymore.
They are truly terrified that if they fail to convince you of their 'god-like', or 'guru' status , everything will come crashing down.
It's called 'abandonment terror ' .
Why are they so terrified?
It's because this whole structure - image - that they've created is about securing attention.
(maybe in childhood they never received love - and so attach to attention instead).
This means ,as they grow up - that they attach to the audience.
They can only 'do' a dynamic where somebody is applauding them ... Adoration.
If you 'defy' the suspected covert narcissist - by the stopping of the applauding , then you're no longer 'doing your job' (in their eyes).
People are always just connections to be used - and are not real people to the narcissistic - i.e just 'things' to be leveraged.
When you stop 'doing you job' (taking away your adoration) you'll notice - see -real fear.
When the covert narcissist knows that they've lost the relationship, that the 'magical hold' has evaporated, the fear kicks in.
The person waking up from being under the covert narcissists 'spell', have some bitter medicine to swallow.
You have been....
Played.
Duped.
Taken advantage of.
Used.
Manipulated.
You have been a victim - in the very real sense of the world.
Falling into the 'victim mentality' from the narcissist relationship is a wound that needs to be fixed.
Think of it as a 'narcissistic infection' - it's a real thing.
You've been infected (for want of a better phrase), by their 'insanity'.
YOU, then have to clean your had, kill the virus, and def-rag your psyche.
It can take a long time.
You can break the relationship - but still think - and feel- in way that you know 'just isn't you'.
That's the lingering mental infection.
If you're aware of this , then you're in a great place to start cleaning your head.
It's important to keep in context, of what the loss of the 'narcissistic supply' scenario is - to the narcissist.
You're not a person to them.You are a thing. Nothing more.
They never 'loved you' - they can't love you - they've never loved.
They can mimic it expertly.
They can - and will -replace you.
Very quickly - and very easily.
They're not ever really emotionally attached to anybody - as in a human to human.
They attach to you as a 'thing'.
Like a favorite T-shirt, or jacket.
It's the only attachment that they can do.
Loss of narcissistic supply, is the loss of adoration, of recognition , of 'respect'.
Conversely - To receive narcissistic adulation is the narcissist sinking their psychic, 'vampire fangs' into you.
An unconscious pain in your ego fed ecstasy, and one that a narcissist just loves to supply you..’how privileged you felt - a little crumb of recognition’.
_It can become a very addictive cycle _.
The closest thing I can compare it to, is cocaine .
I know what a cocaine high is - I know what narcissistic elation is.
( they must stimulate very similar areas of the brain ).
Then you have to get your next hit, you have to wait for your next hit.
(comments, upvotes, post, comment, upvotes...)
You are the punter, and the narcissist is the dealer supplying the heroine.
Social media is the ultimate playground for the overt narcissist.
(block chain, maybe not as attractive for reasons I've mentioned earlier)
The Final Straw...
The ultimate blow to the narcissist - is to heal yourself.
That's it.
This is the force YOU have, and the one that the narcissist fears the most.
The fear of you healing.
They fear you picking yourself up and getting on with your life - without them.
Why is this so terrifying ?
It proves to them - indisputably - that they are not who they think they are. And it shows - to the community and to peer groups, that the image that they've tried so hard to project is in reality, paper thin.
To sum up..
Things that the Narcissist fears the most ...
###Exposure.
(A desperate fear of being seen for who they really are).
Defiance.
(seeing you no longer holding them in the same light as you
once did).
Loss.
(Of adoration, of resources,)
When you break free they're left all alone again - you've shown them that they're not that special.
The thing that they fear the absolute most is that you go on with your life, being happy .(maybe with a few scars - but stronger and happier in ways that they cannot possibly imagine)
Delusions, and not imagination - are the narcissists predominant internal landscape.