What is Love? ... On Measuring Love ... Dimensions of Love #2
"I love everybody."
I've heard a lot of people say this, and while I appreciate the sentiment, the skeptic in me wonders: what does that really mean?
Does this love extend to strangers? To the homeless? To criminals? When it comes down to it, I wonder... what would you really do for different people. Would you offer a mentally ill person the kind of attention and support you would offer a sibling? Maybe so, if you live in Geel, Belgium, a town where people unconditionally open their homes and lives to the mentally ill and are better off for it.
I see concrete actions - what people are willing to do for each other - as a measure of their love. None of us has infinite time, so how we choose to prioritize our time and energy says what we care about. And to a lesser extent, what we don't care about.
Over the long run, measuring love through action can help you see if a relationship is mutual, or parasitic. It helps you step back and see what someone is - and is not - willing to do on behalf of you, or on behalf of your relationships together. Nobody wants a vampire friend, who'll suck your blood and give nothing back.
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Vampire - Edvard Munch 1895 - Google Art Project. Public Domain.
There are also issues with measurement:
- we have different needs
- we have different abilities
- our state of wellbeing fluctuates
- we have different states of realizing our potential
In other words, similar actions done by different people can mean very different things. Or, similar actions might have different meanings for different people. Trying to measure love can get real complicated real quick. And what's the calculus of love? How does it add up or diminish over time?
Beyond that, it's just no fun to be an accountant for love, comparing actions and piling them up, wondering who does more, who gains, who loses. Yet, some people will gush and gush about how much they love someone, or a place, or a room full of people, or the whole world... and then it is hard to see how their actions line up with their words. I can't help but notice this, even knowing that I truly don't know so many of the answers to the questions that would allow me to really evaluate it.
For me, love feels best when I trust, when I am just in the flow, giving and receiving without expectation, unconditionally considering the relationship beneficial. If only it always felt like that!
Sometimes I have the good, challenging problem of abundance, too many relationships, too many things I want to do. Who will I spend time with, who do I serve, who and what will I devote myself to? When I find myself wondering about this, measuring love comes back in the picture. Who loves me best? Who helps grow my capacities for myself, and to love others, places, the world?
What do you think? Do you find it useful to try to measure love? When? How do you do that?
#DimensionsOfLove is a series to explore the nuances of love, and different ideas for deepening our relationships with love. If you feel called to contribute, please do! And link in the comments so I won't miss it.
This is my second piece about a way I relate to love. #1 is about an idea of love that shocked me when I first heard it, and kind of inspired this post. #3 is about the love of difference, love of language, and love of the infinite
More soon!
I can't honestly say that I Love everyone. However, the type of person that I am I care about people, nonetheless. I can care about homeless, the people who are labelled criminals, the mentally disturbed people, etc. I think this type of love is referred to as "Agape Love" which is in essence the love for your fellow man regardless of their faults. The ability to see things in shades of gray not just black and white. The understanding that even criminals or someone that has done wrong can be redeemed. I am neither judge or jury, so why should I pass judgement on another human? I know people have this sense of "unforgiving principals" but I am not that way. I can understand or simply I can try to demonstrate understanding when it comes to us, to humans who are navigating this life as best to their abilities. Now, not all things are understandable to me and it's hard to keep my mantra in tact when the subject at hand includes senseless hurt unto other human beings. But I can't help but wonder "what happened to those who commit such atrocities are they victims or simply perpetrators? What has happened in their life that caused them to seek an unsavory path? I am often labelled as naive or I am being taken advantage of but I firmly think that there is a road for redemption no matter what, if those of us, those criminals, those sick individuals that revel in hurting others without cause, could seek out the correct path, I.e. living by the golden rule, laid out for us in our being should be offered redemption if they so choose to take it. We are not perfect and we make mistakes. The ones that realize their mistakes and embark on a path of righteousness should be given the opportunity at redemption.
Amazing, detailed comment! I've never heard of "agape love," and now I got to look into it a bit more - very interesting. I really agree with you that it's people who are hurt that are the ones hurting others. Demonizing them is much less interesting or productive than trying to understand why they are behaving how they are, regardless of what action I might take. In my opinion, understanding and taking responsibility when I cause others harm is a big part of one's attitude towards others... Causing pain or harm is an inescapable part of the human condition, and I think those self righteous people who can't forgive others are trying to protect their own image of themselves as someone who would never do that... but restorative justice teaches us that we all cause harm, we are all capable of causing harm, and that someone we see causing harm is not so different than us. Once we realize this, we can appreciate people more in their depth and full humanity rather than say "you did this, so I'm done with you." Although, of course, sometimes you do have to say that if your safety is on the line.
Very good contest! 😊👍
reestemed thanks bro
love is energy at a high vibration. Stay happy and love will follow.
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