Atlas Shreked: If Ayn Rand Wrote Shrek
"Congratulations, Ogre!" Lord Farquaad announced with the slimy arrogance typical of someone who works in government, "You've won the honor of embarking on a most noble quest!"
"A quest?" Shrek asked. "I am already on a quest! A quest to assert my right of private property in the face of the vile bureaucrats who would dare take my swamp from me."
"Y-y-you....what?" Farquaad was stunned. Never before had he met a man so confident in the face of the evils of government land seizure. A feeling of pure intimidation crept over him. It was as if he were talking to a mountain, rather than another person.
"Property is derived from a man's ability to think and to create values for himself-and for himself alone. A man who creates value creates wealth. My swamp is a tangible representation of my wealth- and therefore my ability to reason. Without the application of my knowledge and reason, it would be of no value at all. I, and I alone, am master of my swamp. You are going to give it back to me."
Farquaad quivered from the confident boom of Shrek's manly voice.
"I...My...." Farquad tried to respond.
"There is no 'you,'" Shrek interrupted, coolly and powerfully, as if his voice was made of thunder. "A man exercises his power of reason- and rational self interest. You however, are not a man, but a brute. Only a brute would dare neglect reason and argument to take what is not his by force."
"For your information, Donkey, there is more to Ogres than people think." said Shrek
"Example?" asked Donkey, in the way a left-wing simpletons often do
"Fine," Shrek patronized, " Ogres are like onions. They have layers. While an onion has only physical layers that can peel away, a man builds himself through his accomplishments. Each man uses his reason to decide what his own interests are. He then acts toward these rational goals by building layers and layers of achievements- like the walls of a skyscraper- until he finally reaches the height of his creation. This is what economics is all about- trading and creating values and wealth, each man free to create and trade values according to his rational self-interest. It is for this reason that the state is so abhorrent. A gun is not an argument, and a government, unlike a man, does not use reason, but force to accomplish its goals."
"...I'm not sure if I get what you mean, Shrek," Donkey said, puzzled.
"That's alright, Donkey." Shrek sighed, the way a boulder would sigh if it could."You'll get it soon enough."
"Which reminds me. I need to draw up the plans for my new skyscraper so that I can begin development on my swampland when I get back."
Fiona was perplexed, yet oddly aroused by this bold, angular-faced man who had rescued her.
"What kind of a knight are you?" she asked, feeling herself pulled towards him.
"I'm a man who knows what he wants, who knows the value of his own self-interest and refuses to give himself up to the slavery of altruism."
Fiona gasped.
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. One cannot claim to be a defender of minorities if one refuses to take a stand for the individual and his property."
Fiona began to shake with arousal. Never before had she seen someone so masculine and so dominating.
"In order to say, 'I love you,' one must first begin by saying 'I.'"
"Take me, oh mighty warrior!" Fiona squealed.
"Of course I will," Shrek smiled. "But only by virtue of my rational self-interest which affirms my desires to bed only the most attractive, most noble, and most submissive of women."