On avoiding fixations and expectations. Sharing my most impacting epiphany.
Becoming fixated on something you want is easy to do. Being satisfied enough when you get it, to not start looking for that next fix is not so easy. Likewise when you come to expect certain outcomes or you come to expect events to always go a certain way. It instantly sets you up for a moment of disappointment. After this disappointment dissolves you have probably already lined yourself up to have the next outcome have an unexpected, disappointing result.
This is a lesson I learned somewhere in my life, when i was quite young. It has always struck a cord with me. Young was a good age to learn this lesson too. Because even knowing it, seeing things for what they are becoming fixated or having certain expectations is unavoidable. Its the human condition. I try to acknowledge it when I am doing it though.
I have decided that this is the root cause of all my sadness and disappointment. My anger and frustration.. looking around it appears to be a continuous cause of many peoples negative life experience.
Becoming fixated is something I have done many times. I still do it with certain video games, board games, technologies, and certain social media platforms. I think of times when I was really young, middle school and I really liked a certain girl and I wanted to ask her out, and while I was contemplating it 2 other girls asked me out, I said no of course. They were both cool, cute girls but I had other plans. Before I could execute those plans one of my friends asked the girl I liked out and she said yes. I lived of course but I lost opportunities and was sad for a week. Then I moved on. Its easy at that age.
Another time I was at the Hershey track meet. I had been running the 100 and took 2nd in my grade at our school. I was sure I could have took first. So I practiced. Got better of course, but not enough. There were kids 2 feet taller then me that were slow sprinting faster then me, or at least that's what it looked like. I took 4th in my heat and didn't move on. I also qualified for the long jump but I didn't pay it much attention or practice. Without practice I still managed to make it to the final heat before losing. I thought running is what I was going to do well, I expected the other runners to be like the kids in my school.
This happens to varying degrees all the time. You want some certain food, and sadly settle for something else. You want to go see a movie, your friends all want to see something else. You just need that cigarette and you can't focus or enjoy life until you do. Maybe this is why drugs are called a fix. I thought it was to temporarily fix something. Maybe its because the of the fixation. Like a dog addicted to tennis balls. Once you break your tennis ball into pieces you are just forever looking for that next tennis ball.
Likewise I once expected Ron Paul to have a chance, to be given a equal chance. I was sorely disappointed. Many people expected Hilary Clinton to win, they expected so hard they knew. Their reactions were televised. I have expected certain people to be there for me forever, those people are no longer here for me today.
Changing to completely avoid sadness and disappointment is nearly impossible. If you look around at someone you know who is sad or not in a good spot. Was it because of something they got fixated on? Was it something they expected to have happen that didn't? Aside from the people who had their rights violated by another, almost every negative feeling I have ever seen or experienced stems from some fixation or expectation that went unmet.
Recognizing this has been invaluable in my life. I still set goals. I still have things I want to be able to buy, or to achieve. I approach them all with a tree of various expectations, then if I fall short on the highest of expectations. I am fine, because I have mapped out the lower expectations as well.. and I can almost always avoid those outcomes. I still even aim high when setting out to accomplish things. Understanding going into it that I need to not fixate or expect that result still helps. It alleviates the pressure allowing me to try something without the stress. It lessens my disappointment when I fail, and allows me to take even failure as a lesson.
I am very empathetic, and when I try to put myself in other people shoes I think about the things they might be fixating on and expecting.. and how that might be affecting them. It helps me give my friends and family advice. It must be a god way of doing it because I am often the person someone calls when everything feels like its all bad for them.
I deal with my own sadness, I deal with my own failed expectations. I just try to get better at dealing with it, by recognizing the root. Which is almost always some fixation or expectation I created knowing it would fail, but not understanding it enough to deal with it.
Does anyone have examples of this? Do you disagree? Is there more to it? Do you have a better, more important life lesson you would like to share? You can take part in a challenge I am hosting and teach me your biggest life lesson here
I think it's part of human nature to desire. If we didn't have desire, would we find anything in life worth living? I honestly don't think so. There's a lot of wisdom in this post about learning to manage our own expectations and it's something I still work on every day. Knowing what you want and not worrying about what it looks like or how it comes to pass seems to help me a lot at least.
Informative post. There is a lot of wisdom in this post about learning to manage our own expectations and it's something I still work on every day. Best of luck for future.
Lowering your expectations is a key to protect us from disappointment. I do agree with your opinion. Keep setting the goal, do the best and expect less. It's always better to feel surprised rather than to feel disappointed.
Anyway, if you don't mind I want to clarify about this sentence of yours in the 9th paragraph.
I don't understand the tree expectations you've mentioned. Would you mind to explain it? Thanks
I am learn new someting. thanks for the post
Most inspirational blog you write. We only disappointed when we expected. So if you do some work dont expect the result because when it give a different result so you become disappointed 😔
Peace 😊
The sentiment behind those three quotes is same - accept that you can do only so much. Some things are by their nature beyond your control, it makes no sense to stress about it.
I know, it's easier said than done. But, from time to time, you can at least remind yourself that you're not a God.
Do your best. Give it all and hope for the best. What else can you do?
such great advice to share.
It seems that humans, like @clayboyn mentioned, are driven by desire of some form. Whether it is the primitive desires or complex situational expectations, it sends us through our day.
I find that letting go of fixations is so essential to unshakeable contentment, which is my main goal in life. If we are too focused on one desire we lose focus of the constant momentary experience which surrounds us. I think that sometimes, this present experience which we are dismissing on our search for completion is what we were yearning for all along.
You seem to have gained this wisdom without 'official' assistance. What you're describing is almost exactly what I gained from years of counseling, after existential trauma.
When you expect people to fulfill you, you neglect their agency. People aren't stones.
Some folks demand others meet their needs.
I reckon that's even worse, in the long run.
No one ever said wisdom was easy, cheap, or quick.
It's worth the price paid, however.
Thanks!
So true and well said. We expect life to give us what we thing we deserve. But life doesn't care what you deserve.you only get what you fight for or what you earn. Passivity is bad in life. In life I have just expected some things to happen like a miracle job, a miracle money etc but truth be told, they are just mere fantasies.untill you decide to decide what happens to you, be ready to get what life gives