In one of Stephan Molyneux's videos (probably bomb in the brain series) he sums this up as, "its already too late".
In other words, you need to SNOOP on your children to know what they are doing? The only reason for this is that you neglected parenting at a younger age. You did not develop your relation with your child. There is no trust, there is only a wall. And you do not know your child well enough to notice their mood swings. If they are taking drugs or cutting, it is obvious, if you know the person.
Further, the parents who have children that would take drugs or cut, or any other self medication, than those parents aren't going to be able to do anything to help. They are THE PROBLEM. They created this. Usually through early childhood trauma. And so, the parents not only do not care, they could not care. They are most likely in denial, and probably a closet alcoholic to boot... just like them.
A well raised child comes from a home where drugs were talked about. What their effects are. The child is told the consequences, and since the child has been given more responsibilities as they matured, then they are given this responsibility. They also know that they can talk to their parents about this, because they already have.
I agree that if you as a parent feel that you need to snoop on your children then it's a strong warning sign that you have failed to build your parenthood on a reciprocal relationship with trust. It's travesty that a lot of parents does not work on emotionally connecting and understanding their children and by genuine care showcasing that they are fully available to have an adult conversation about whatever a child is going through.
BUT, I do not agree that a parent shall feel that their parenthood are completely doomed after a certain age. I believe that you can actually very potently work on your empathy and creating a caring and open climate even when the child is nearing adulthood. I actually believe the absolute majority of confused parents care about their children but aren't enough congruent with themselves and their situation to facilitate that care in the best way. So, in a way I believe that even if parents can be to blame for a shitty family-situation I still believe in the potential for the development for a solid growth-climate in every stage of development. But snooping is the fucking anti-thesis for this climate to happen.
Yes, the parent may suddenly clean themselves up and clear the trauma that caused them to drink (or whatnot) and then help their children to clear the trauma they inflicted at an earlier age.
Its a million to one shot, but it can happen.
But, you and i do not share the same view of the situation.
There is no, we can start working this out.
It is a, i am sorry your entire life is destroyed (like a vase, shattered) and you do not have to tools to even begin repairing it.
People do not do drugs, alcohol or cut themselves out of nowhere.
All of these people are hurting so much inside that the cutting either doesn't hurt, or shows them that they can still feel pain.
This comes from deep childhood trauma.
And since the parent caused the trauma, they will never recognize the trauma. They are in it. Like a fish trying to understand water.
In fact, most psychologists won't even recognize the trauma.
Most just think the person needs someone to talk to who won't judge them.
So, of what i was speaking of, is not a "we have to make up for lost time" thing, it is a we have to go back and heal the fractures, and then learn the lessons we missed.
Okay, I understand now that we come from completely different places. You seem to talk about some almost metaphysical rampant trauma, THE trauma that is poisoning or culture and are to blame for our extensive alcohol-culture. Is that true or am I reading too much into your comment?
You are closer, however, i am speaking of a very real, very pervasive underlying condition to addictions.
CPTSD - complex post traumatic stress disorder.
This trauma usually happens pre-verbal, and so its sufferers have emotional flashbacks. They weren't old enough to remember things and language, so what comes up is only emotion.
It is not proven, but so many of the people with addictions to drugs, alcohol and cutting have this CPTSD. And the parent / environment caused it. And since the parent caused it, the parent can't see it. The parent can't fix it. The parent would first have to see it in themselves, go and learn how to heal it, and then come back and help the child.
It isn't a case of trying a little harder, or starting to build trust.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA - by Pete Walker
I feel i should also link The Bomb in the Brain series
The Bomb in the Brain Series - by Stephan Molyneux
Man, that is some heavy stuff you are proposing there. I sure will look into it as it sounds very interesting. I also have a old friend of mine deeply moved by the ideas of Stephan Molyneux so have been meaning to look into him for a while now.
For the record though, it sounds dangerously close to the orthodox Freudian idea that all kinds of neuroses can be derived from childhood sexual assault, which I find a little fishy. But hey, haven't looked into CPTSD yet so I this might be more legitimate