Dear Diary: My Pain and Weakness Combo Makes Me Want to Cry

I am like a fish out of the water and in just a few minutes if not thrown in the water again it will be too late and I will just end up into a vat of salt along with other dead fishes to make a fish sauce. That is what I think as my body pain and weakness progresses and now I just want to be like carried around if it is not too much to ask. But really, it is too much for a person who will do it for me even though I am only 36 kilos most of the time, quite a burden.

This thing started gradually and at first i am still enduring it with a struggle accompanying me all the time. I can still walk long distances during those first years of being a dialysis patient. Then year after year my weakness just progresses until my backbone shows signs of compression.

After about nine to ten years of being a dialysis patient with a history of an overactive parathyroid gland due to high elevations of phosphorus which is also due to mediocre type of dialysis that I am getting right from the start that my bones just gave way until now. My bone deteriorated in an exponential manner.

My height which was more than 5'6" before 2011 went into less than 4'11" today. I couldn't care less about my height or even my appearance but what I am complaining about was my joint pains which pins me down on my bed almost 24/7 because it has a twin condition of muscle weakness.

The overactive parathyroid is the main culprit and that is why I am dying to get a treatment for it despite the gruelling task of going to and from the hospital which seems to be easy for most but not for me with all these bone conditions from head to foot that I have.

I am so hard up now physically but not mentally although this issues loads my thoughts with mental stress, it all just battle-hardened me all over. I can do this even though it is hard because rescue is there and I can see it now being converted into reality as my doctor on Friday tells my mother the medical treatment I will be getting and finally I will have to endure this weakness and pain I am suffering from many years of my life already. Thank God and thank God for the steemians that helps me God Bless you all.