For The Women That Don't Want Kids
My six year relationship, for so many of our family members, is completely worthless.
"So when are you guys having kids?"
It's just like any other question, except it's not. Thanks for checking in on the status of my reproductive system. After all, I'm sure we all were just put on this earth to breed.
I've toyed with the idea. People tell me when I'm older I'll feel different. The scary thing is that I don't know if I will. At the same time, I hardly imagine guys would receive this question if they were focusing on their career and education. "Hey Brent, when were you planning on settling down and having a family?" Not happening.
I'm not the most nurturing, warm-and-fuzzy person. My friends even said if I was a mom I'd be the tough-love I'm going to prepare you for the real world type. We've even joked that I would be a stoic figure off in the distance like Bambi's dad showing up when it mattered and then promptly disappearing.
The sad thing is, I love kids. I love coloring and playing action figures with my godson. My baby cousin crawled up in my lap to watch Frozen and melted my stone-cold heart. At the same time, thinking of having one for myself just doesn't feel right.
I also respect mothers as the epitome of female badassery. They are f***ing warriors.
Is this a Millennial thing? Are we distancing ourselves from the social constructs of the past? If so, how do you know what's right for you?
I think everyone should be able to make their own choices while being accepted
That's the ideal situation
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Lol thank you @plisskin it seems like this stuff has blown up overnight
When you can financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally take care of yourself. But next comes mixing in the significant other. If they are down with what you're throwing at them and agree you both have enough time, energy, and love to put into someone else then you can have a child. If one is ready, and the other isn't? No go. Take your time and figure out if putting traveling, experiences, and your younger years on hold is right for you. Can you afford a babysitter for 5+ yeard while they are a toddler? Map out the scenerio, and if it looks ugly, then no shame in waiting or doing it at all. Don't add another ingredient in if you know what you have is fine. You struggle, the baby struggles. You got to put a lot of time and thinking into it. Get a dog first. See if you can handle that, granted they are pretty low maintenance compaired to a baby but still. I work 5 days a week and am barely home. I'd feel terrible if i had a dog cooped up in my house with no one, think how i'd feel about a baby. Never getting to see them because someone else is having to take care of them for me. Just not in the cards right now. i feel you.
This is sound advice!
Thanks for the post. Its definitely a more popular thing now than past generations. Perhaps there is an epigenetic or psychological effect that slows the birth rate that we are experiencing.
As a guy in a long term relationship (10 years) without a kid, I fully sympathize with your article. I don't really like getting comments from friends, family, coworkers, random people, or -heaven forbid- church people about it.
It could be a millennial thing... I have never really wanted a kid. Maybe it is because I feel like society and the world in general are so screwed up, and since I don't really want to be involved in that stuff, why would I force a kid into dealing with it. Or maybe I really like not having to worry about being responsible for someone else. I have heard hundreds of reasons to have a kid, and none of them sound that great. Usually my excuses for not having one are dismissed as trivial, selfish, ignorant, or just plain wrong. We can barely provide for ourselves(don;t get me wrong, we both have good jobs, its just hard to hang onto money), yet I'm expected to spend insane amounts of money to take care of a noise and poop maker for the next 18+ years?
Well, maybe my attitude will change, since I have one on the way. (Its a secret, haha.) I kind of hope it does change, because right now it just seems like an unnecessary expense of time, money and energy... And that is super depressing haha.
I didn't realize that guys were affected the same way so thank you for the insight. I definitely see what you are saying, statistically we are the hardest working and least paid generation so the whole concept has really lacked luster. As a woman I also get to hear lovely birthing stories while people give me the side eye and go, "just wait till it happens to you."
And congratulations!!! That is super exciting. Everyone I've talked to makes it seem like once you have them it just changes your perspective. My baby cousin would follow me around and want up on my lap and would play with my bracelet. The cuteness almost had me sold.
Really well put Sarah. I have seen so many of my friends in their early 20's settle down to have kids because they feel its the right thing to do... Either because their parents did it or they are scared they won't be able to in 10 years time (which is just not true) and I can tell it has inhibited some areas of their life (travel/career).
I don't think they made the wrong choice, I just think it would have been better if they had weighed all this up in the first place as opposed to settling down fast because they think they have to.
I feel like I'll never have kids... But I get the same lines of "wait till your older, you'll change your mind". Let's wait and see :)
@sarahtops9000, I can appreciate @miranda.odell advice about being able to support yourself and a future child. I want to add a little bit of a different perspective as well.
As a father and a husband, I strongly feel the need to provide, but my ability to be a husband and a father is not solely dependent on my ability to provide. A major life change has taken place in my family. I am still looking for a job, but I am still a husband and a dad.
If you wait until you are ""fully prepared" to step into something new, you will rarely take the step. Because honestly, most of us never feel like we are fully prepared.
Plan well and then take action! And this advice is not just about being a mom.
I understand that as well. I don't ever think I'll be "fully prepared" and it's more of a mental thing than a providing thing. Also "providing" doesn't necessarily mean necessities or possessions. To me it means showing up and being there when it counts. For six years I said when we bought a house we'd talk about it and now that's happened and I have nothing else to fall back on other than being honest at this point and saying I'm not ready. It's about more than cut and dry issues, it has a lot to do with me and my parents, my fears, and the expectations I have of myself in my own mind.
Those deeper issues that you mentioned are very important. If those issues have not "been addressed" (whatever that means) then it is hard to move forward. Keep pressing on! Keep showing up!
I think we worry far too much in this world about should we have a family or not. There was a time in my life where I'd probably sit here and tell you that your opinions will change when you get older and blah, yadda yadda. That's because I'd be speaking from my own experience. Here's the thing though, you aren't me, and you never will be. So that makes my advice useless.
Screw society. Live as you want, forget the pressures of wanting x because you 'should' have x, and everyone is doing it. Enjoy life for what it is and just if something nice happens embrace it for what it is :)
You're awesome @raymondspeaks :) thank you for sharing this perspective