I think most of us can agree that forcing another person to do something against their will rarely works out as we'd like to see. We might even - hopefully - have an ethical issue with forcing others to do things they don't want to do.

Helpless babies

Yet we do this with children all the time. When they are babies and infants, we have the most legitimate excuses. In that first year we build up a habit of feeding, cleaning, moving them, etc., because they are so dependent on us. As their brains and bodies grow, it can be difficult to know when and how to allow them more autonomy.

They are smaller than us, cannot speak, understand a limited number of words, if any, and do not have the benefit of our many years of life experience. So obviously, there are limitations as to what we can do at that pre-toddler stage.

What can be done?

Even though their language processing capability is just developing, their senses are working. They hear and feel the tone of your voice. They see your eyes and feel your gentle touch. And their brains soak up and store everything. We can begin by showing empathy for their powerless plight as soon as they are born. This is where I recommend a combination of touch, gaze, hum/song, and words. One method I've found to be effective: Make up little songs for the baby to let them know you are about to pick them up, feed them, change their diaper, etc.

"Hey hey, little Emily, I'm about to change your diaper to get you clean. In some ways, hey hey, it's like I'm up in your space without asking, putting aside your choice and autonomy in order to get you clean. You may not know my words now and that is okay, hey hey, because you hear my tone and you know that some day, hey hey, your subconscious mind will find these words and know, oh oh, that from day one your mommy showed, ho ho, empathy for your unique be-ee-ing, dependent on others to clean your poo and pee-ee-ee..."

Let them know we understand their helpless plight

Let's show children awareness of the price we all pay when choice is not present. I'd love to see a reduction in exceptions to "you don't force people to do stuff" across the board. I'm thinking about kids but it happens to all ages. We tell kids it is wrong to initiate force, yet we control every detail of their lives. I see a thousand ways parents can reduce this hypocrisy by picking less battles, offering more choices, encouraging kids to do more on their own, and allowing NATURAL CONSEQUENCES to teach them their lessons. For those times when you see no way other than force, at least let them know you would prefer another way and empathize with how frustrating it must feel to be controlled.

How about empathy?

Most people skip empathy, jumping straight to evaluation, fixing, assisting, distraction, reward, reassurance, advice, interrogation, and punishment. To be clear: when I say empathy, I mean responses like, "Wow you did it!" and "Hmmm seems like you are having difficulty with that." and "Seems like you are really disappointed." and "Ouch I bet that hurts." and "Did you want more consideration for what you prefer?" and "Sounds like you wish someone would do that for you?" and "Is it a little scary when you think about doing that thing all by yourself?" and "When you hear it is time to go, are you frustrated because you would love to keep playing and you don't like to be told what to do?"

Important note: empathizing out loud does not mean we give in. It merely shows them we understand them, their perspective is valid, and we respect that perspective. Until empathy is fully given and received, issues of true/false, "right," and "wrong" can wait to be addressed.

About those rewards

To zoom in on one thing I said above: Rewards. Yeah, duh "positive reinforcement" is a thing. But maybe that is better for animal training than relating to little humans. Guess what? Do you want your kid to grow up to be a people-pleaser, motivated and controlled by other people and desire for material acquisition, i.e., external factors? That is what you are asking for when you rely on use of the reward/punishment paradigm. If you want them to grow up to be good worker bee robots who bow to authority without question, then by all means, go the traditional route.

The goal

How about a person who grows up confident in their internal compass, caring about others for deeper reasons than wanting to impress them and/or to get something from them (because they were treated with empathy while growing up)? How about a person who is motivated to succeed and be powerful because it feels good inside? How about a person who shares from the heart because they want to, because they were never forced to share as a child, but instead they watched you, their parent, be a generous person?

Which of the following is more long-term effective?

"You did it, Emily! Are you feeling excited, powerful, and proud?"

vs

"You did it, Emily! I'm so proud of you! Here is a reward." Save that for dogs.

Recommended articles

• https://steemit.com/life/@wizofreuse/becoming-antifragile
• Great article by Jonathan Haidt and Lenore Skenazy: http://reason.com/archives/2017/10/26/the-fragile-generation

Jonathan Haidt video

Some books on this topic I recommend

• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
• Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
• Everything Voluntary from Politics to Parenting by Skyler Collins
• Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn
• Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict by Becky Bailey
• Conscious Discipline: 7 Basic Skills for Brain Smart Classroom Management by Becky Bailey
• How Children Learn by John Holt