Displaced, frequently

in past •  last year

There is a street that runs just at the bottom of the hill. I watch the cars go past, coming from seemingly nowhere and going the same way. The atmosphere is somehow yellow, although it is not stormy. I know where I am, but I do not feel it.

I recognize the curve of the street, the house at the bottom of the hill, and the trees on the opposite side of the street. Yet somehow, I could swear I was looking at my childhood. Not quite reliving a memory. This feels more like time travel, as if I was using some unknown capacity to access my childhood street. The moment lingers sweetly, unobtrusive but distinct.

I look around the room at the people sharing this space with me. Everything feels like the past. This sensation happens frequently. It sort of feels like I have faded out and am not really there. Time and space have collapsed on each other, blending things that should be separate. I am simultaneously in the present and the past and realize that I have no idea when or where this body sits, but it seems obvious that I am not where I need to be.

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I have experienced something similar--a type of dissociation in my case. It is called "depersonalization." That may not be quite what you're describing, but your lyrical way of writing that between space speaks to my experience. <3

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I had not heard of depersonalization before. I normally don't feel "outside" of myself when I get these episodes, but that may just be one step away. I am probably just losing my grip on reality. Haha

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

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Thank you for such an amazing post!