Teaching Twins to Share

A Tip for Avoiding Nuclear Meltdown

I’ve never actually negotiated with terrorists, but I imagine it is not very different from convincing a toddler to do something that they don’t want to.

Here’s the setup. I have five kids. The oldest is almost six, the youngest is 10 weeks old, and I have a set of identical twins that are almost three (my “middle” child is four and a half, in case you wondered). They have a pretty comfortable supply of toys. Scarcity is not a real issue. But as it would happen, the twins often find themselves fighting over the same prized possession.
Whether that is the newest Rainbow Dash action figure.

Or the hairbrush they stole from my bathroom

It doesn’t really matter what it is, the fact that their sister has it and they don’t is reason enough to declare war.

Sibling feuds are nothing new, but I have found that the go-to strategies are less effective on twins. A very common approach for non-twins that I have observed, and implemented at times, is to appeal to age differences. For example, you sit down with the older sibling and explain to them how much more mature they are and how their little sister just doesn’t understand boundaries and sharing the way they do. Yes, it’s an ego play. Remember though, fairness does need to come into play and the younger sibling does need to learn the ropes as they get older.

Another age-based strategy is to exploit the “follow-the-leader” desire.

Younger siblings naturally look up to their older siblings. If the older sibling is keen enough, you can convince the younger sibling to allow the older to “show ‘em how it’s done.” Ideally this transitions into collaborative play where the older sibling understands that some concessions must be made.
Honestly, getting kids to share in a healthy way is hard. You want them to treat each other as they would like to be treated, but you don’t want to allow one of them to abuse the kindness of the other. On the flip side, just because they asked nicely does not mean they get it right away. And what to do about birthday presents?!

Twins take it to a new level.

First of all, age-based strategies are out the window.

Second, twins are telepathic.

They have their own language and most of it is non-verbal. Seriously, they'll get into silent fights that you'll have no inclination about. That means you're often going in blind. Being the over-extended non-experts that we are, we mostly wing it. A few months ago we implemented the two minute rule. It’s pretty straightforward: Cora (twin A) yells for toy X in her native tongue (not English), to which Adele (twin B), who is currently holding toy X, grunts a responsive refusal. They quickly turn to parental figure for resolution. I then tell Cora that Adele will share the toy in "two minutes," and then give a questioning nod to Adele seeking approval. She grants her approval by turning to her sister and saying “yeah, two minutes.”
Here’s the magic. The concept of two minutes as a measurement of time means absolutely nothing to them.

But it holds symbolic importance. It signals to them that their feelings and desires have been heard, validated, and cared for.

That’s really important. They want to know that, on some level, someone is making sure that justice matters. Reassure them that they have a voice.
Next, you wait for a period of time and inform them that two minutes is now up.
Let's be honest with ourselves and others, parenting is hard. Sometimes you have to put down your ideals and do what works. I would love to hear what others have done to navigate these treacherous waters.

Image Sources: Baby on "phone", Toddlers Fighting, Rainbow Dash, Jean Grey,