Does it really matter what name our children give us?

in #parenting6 years ago (edited)

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Esteban turned 3 yesterday and caused some controversy because he doesn't call me 'dad', preferring to call me Sam like everyone else.

Personally I don't mind what he calls me but the changing of these three letters seems to present a big problem for Sabrina's family here in France.

Amongst all the tutting and whispering Esteban and I were simply having a good time, regardless of any words being used to label things and it seemed strange to me that Sabrina's family wouldn't want to do the same.

What are words for anyway?

Communication is the primary purpose of words and having lots of them means more convenience in the way we communicate.

Words have feelings behind them but the trouble is that each person will attach a different feeling to each word, quite often leaving us in a muddle despite what appears to be clear communication.

Body language and intuition provide far more than most of us are currently aware of in conveying a message but we humans tend to rely more on the words & physical stuff.

Re-creating our past without evaluation

The majority of us seem to emulate the way in which we were treated as children and this becomes especially evident when we have kids of our own. It was done a certain way for us so it should be done a certain way for them and our belief is further reinforced when we see other people doing the same thing.

So, the word dad (or papa as it is here) represents a tradition of sorts and the correct way to speak as a child, therefore making all other ways the wrong way.

Mummy & Daddy

My own past was extreme in this area for I was not permitted to call them mum & dad, but rather mummy & daddy or mother & father. As a liberated thinker today who has firmly broken his way out of the conformity box and is comfortable in examining his past I am able to recognise how I am now pushing against that which was done to me.

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Yes, I let him watch an ipad during lunch and dinner. In part because I was never permitted this option. But mostly because he asks for it, and when he has it he will sit there for an hour to eat his whole plate... which is what we want right?

The difference between a dad & a friend

Many people here have said that by calling me Sam he is reinforcing his belief that I am his friend and not his dad. What they mean by this is that he is less likely to obey my orders if he thinks of me as a friend.

If we are able to go deep into this, what we see is that our willingness to obey someone boils down to how much fear we have around what will happen if we do not obey them.

Case Study

After the controversy had died down yesterday a demonstration was made for me in which I saw the complete madness of the way most parents think it should be done.

Sabrina's mum (sorry... mother!) gave a silver bracelet to Esteban as a birthday present and tried to put it on his wrist.

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She was taking a long time to get it on and he become uncomfortable. She responded to this by raising her voice and continued with what she was doing.

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Esteban told her clearly (in french & english) he didn't want to wear it and even said he would put it on later, but she kept on with her attempts to get it done.

Eventually he whacked her in the nose and started to cry because he knew very well what was coming next.

She was angry. Holding him tight she wouldn't let him go and insisted he apologise. Desperate to get away from her at this point he (eventually) said sorry and ran off clearly feeling sad & confused.

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She turned and looked at me victoriously like she had just done something amazing.

He knows with certainty she is not his friend now

...so how has this helped her ability to guide him?

The way I see the situation is completely reverse to the way she sees it:

SHE is the one who should be apologising to Esteban for forcing him to do something he didn't want to do, especially on his birthday!

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Final thoughts

There are situations in which I will raise my voice to Esteban when his safety is in question or he is intentionally causing harm to another sentient being. He knows exactly what's going on when I say his name in this heightened tone. He doesn't always listen of course but this is 100% ALWAYS because he doesn't understand WHY I am telling him to stop doing something he is enjoying.

I don't mind at all if he thinks of me as a friend. I am simply the friend who guides him that little bit more than the rest and I hope very much we will alway remain friends, regardless of what label he chooses to attach to our relationship.

And the same will be true for our youngest Luna.

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Our love to you all from the South of France.

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I wanna slow clap it out for this one! I deginitely agree that she should have been the one to say sorry. We are all about teaching kai his body his choice and not yelling though like you said if it's dangerous or hurting someone sometimes it's necessary to get across the urgentness of the situation. As for names I don't think it matters as long as all the involved parties feels positively about the names being used. And as you stated it doesn't bother you so it shouldn't matter to anyone else either! Good for you in breaking the mold! ❤️

Always great to see your words here Jamie :) x

Sadly there is a price to pay for mold breaking in this area where few people can see the wood from the trees. I always thought people in England were straight but by comparison we were actually quite liberated!

I love how our kids have connected us through Steemit and we are learning all this new stuff together ;)

As do I Sam! It saddens me that you all are in such a place however I'm sure you all are shining some much needed light there! ❤️

Exchange between myself and my 3 year old when she started calling me by my first name:
ME: how come you're calling me Sara now? You know you are the only person in the entire world who can call me 'mommy'?
HER: I know. But I can teach you how to be Sara.

Well, I had no good response to that, because really, she is teaching me lol. For the record, she still calls me mommy now, the name thing appeared to be a phase, but I didn't insist either way.

EXCELLENT! Thank you for sharing the awesome wisdom of kids :)

Am with you all the way and have followed you for more...

Looking at your account I see you are friends with @canadian-coconut too. An amazing woman we should take example from.

My two kids are unvaccinated ;)

Very nice my friend, having kids is not easy for some and doesn't come with a guide or manual. There is no "perfect_patenting_and_mature_healty_happy_kids.pdf"

I kinda thought this post was about the importance of the names like if your kid is called Jesus or Alexander or Patrick or Bob, there are entire books on the topic, some of them very interesting.

haha! If only there were such a manual! I guess it's different for each kid.

Interesting thought with the effect of having a particular name. Hmmm.... now that could be worth researching.

Thanks!

We had the same a few years ago. It was strange for me why my son calls me mom Tanya (he used both "mom" and the name)... he doesn't have another mom...
And then my mother in law came with a good advice. You and your husband call each other by name, and the child repeats - she said. Just try at home, in the family circle, call each other not by name, but "mom" and "dad". And you know, it worked.

haha! brilliant. Great that he used both names keeping all parties satisfied.

I can see how that would work. They are so desperate to say the words we say and do the things we do!

I guess we could make this adjustment too if we were keen to have him call me dad. Thing is, it just doesn't seem too important to us. If we did change it, it would be to keep the rest of the family happy ;)

Parenting is the toughest thing in the world since we all love our kids and we all want to give them the best and it is really hard to know sometimes what is the right way.
It all has to do with knowing our kids, I guess, since they are all different and they learn differently and some are more emotional than other etc. and we as parents know our kids the best.

I would say this particular thing is to do with following our instinct. We can feel our way into the answer because as you say, we know our kids best. The trouble is that everyone else thinks they know best too!

Sounds like you bring up a very intelligent kid who will know whats he wants. I totally think its right to give him the choice, keep on doing what your doing. Great parenting! 💯🐒

Thanks! Just going with the flowwwwwwww...... :)

Keep it up! 💯🐒

My son also call my name :)

Seems like lots do. The question of course is how does that make us feel?

Sach a nice post ✌✌
Thanks for sharing 💜

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