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RE: The Parenting Paradox: we don't like being controlled so why do we control our children?
Kids primarily want attention and letting them do what they want and being attentive to their needs fulfills that. On the other hand I also believe that kids need boundaries and setting limits is a form of attention too. This teaches them, especially when they are still little, how to set their own boundaries and not feel the dissatisfaction that comes from having no limits. Inevitably our kids take our parental authority as an inner voice that they carry with them into adulthood and even after we are gone. And I think that's natural and fine.
I think the Rolling Stones said it best: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need."
haha! Brilliant. Love how you squeezed in the Rolling Stones there :)
I think boundaries surrounding safety and a basic understanding of the world are important for sure.
Am unclear on why having no limits might bring dissatisfaction?
I get where you are coming from .. I've read Ivan Illich's Deschooling Society and I share his distrust of institutions. But I also think setting limits on children allows them to learn how to self-discipline better and my point about dissatisfaction stems a little from my own childhood. I didnt grow up in a total hippie household, but my Mom did model her approach on less boundaries and being friends with her kid. What do they say in Hair, "Be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do as long as you don't hurt anybody, and remember I am your friend." And that's cool but I think without parents to push against and boundaries to rebel against, I was left drifting without much self discipline. Everyone is different but I think in some ways we all have to go through that painful phase with our kids when they reject us to a degree. And that's important for the kids because it helps them grow up. I never had a healthy rebellion. So anyway I guess I'm saying that limits breed responsibility. But in your case, of course, you try it however you want.
Robert Bly called it the Sibling Society where parents and kids are at the same level, we are playmates and like older brothers to our kids. It has its drawbacks too.
However I do feel screen time is damaging to kids, especially when they are under 10. Many Silicon Valley parents severely restrict screen time, and my take on it is also that we are going to be on computers half the frigging time as adults anyway so why start so early. Its a social experiment I dont want to expose my kid to, so I limit my son, who is 11, to an hour a day watching or games just at the weekend, and I think he likes asking my permission to do stuff. Setting limits is another way of showing you care. Do you know what I mean?