There are some posts that I have wanted to write for a while but I felt too raw to actually post it. This is one of those posts. I thought it was time to share it now. It will be of particular interest to parents but also to those who have struggled with something that should come easily.

Breastfeeding is kind of the whole point of breasts!

When it comes to feeding your baby, breast is best, there is no denying that. Breast milk contains the perfect blend of antibodies and nutrients that babies need to develop. It's the right temperature and consistency for babies and it's free! And although it's sometimes easy forget in this day and age....breastfeeding is kind of the whole point of breasts! Sounds like a no brainier right? And like it should be easy? For some women it's not.

My first and second babies

I've always wanted to breastfeed my children because of all the reasons above. My first baby was quite a big baby (9lbs 6oz!) and I breastfed her exclusively for the first two weeks. However she was constantly on the breast and never seemed to settle after a feed so i started 'topping her up' with formula. Gradually the formula feeds took over because it was quicker for her to get the milk out. In total I breastfed her for around three months. With my second baby I breastfed exclusively for one week. She never seemed to settle at all, plus I had a toddler to look after too, so I started topping the baby up with formula and you know the rest. In total I breastfed her for two months.

My third baby

I don't know why I thought it would be different the third time around but I did. I'm older and wiser now and have more knowledge about nutrition. There was no way I was going to feed my baby formula. No need to buy a sterilizer and baby bottles, I didn't need them. I would breastfeed on demand until baby was a year old.

We had to go to A and E

In reality what happened was that my baby lost 11 per cent of her body weight in the first week of her life. I noticed she had very few wet nappies and her lips seemed a bit dry and she seemed to be constantly hungry. So I breastfed her as often as possible, sometimes sleeping only for one hour a night. I think it was adrenaline and determination that kept me going that first week. When the midwife came to weigh her she told us to take the baby to A and E as soon as possible to get her checked out by a paediatric doctor. The doctor advised us to give her a top up with formula so that she didn't lose any more weight. As soon as she said the word 'formula' I burst into tears. "But I've been trying so hard with the breastfeeding" I sobbed. "I don't even have any formula or bottles!".

My milk supply was probably crap

I was given some pre-prepared formula milk bottles at the hospital and send home. The doctor looked at me sympathetically and said that maybe when the baby’s weight increased I might be able to drop the bottle feeding and go back to exclusive breastfeeding. “Maybe your milk hasn’t come in yet, and when it does you’ll have a better supply”. We both knew my milk had come in (this usually happens 3 days after a woman gives birth and results in engorged breasts and a more liquid consistency of milk), and that my supply was probably just crap.

I felt thoroughly depressed

In the UK now the NHS is making a real effort to get more mothers to breastfeed. Midwives and health visitors tell you that every woman has the ability to breastfeed her baby and if it’s not going well then you are not doing it right. So I phoned up the breastfeeding support service and a support worker came to my house and gave me some more tips. I followed them religiously. I ate oats three times a day, I drank an insane amount of water, I even bought a dubious looking herbal tea online called Mother’s Milk! I bought an expensive electric breastpump and when I wasn’t breastfeeding or bottle feeding my baby I was sitting there trying to express milk. I felt thoroughly depressed. Particularly because I only managed to pump out just 2 fl oz after expressing milk for 30 minutes! Friends who had babies themselves also failed to lift my mood, especially when they said things like “Oh, I wonder why it’s so hard for you? I just touch my boob and milk shoots across the room”!

As I said the NHS offers a lot of breastfeeding support including breastfeeding support groups. I went along to one with my baby. In theory it was a great way to resolve problems with babies not latching on correctly etc. But when I told the support worker about my issues with supply she just look at me with pity and half heartedly gave me a weird contraption to help stimulate my milk supply. It looked something like this:

Breastfeeding support group

I was basically feeding my baby formula through the thin tubes, whilst trying to breastfeed at the same time. It was very messy and fiddly and I only used it a couple of times. However, the breastfeeding support group helped me in different way. It made me realise I had to get over breastfeeding and not being able to do it properly. I got chatting to a young first time mum at the group and her baby was around 6 months old. She was desperate to exclusively breastfeed her baby. Her nipples were so sore they looked like they were about to drop off. She told me she would be so happy if she could just breastfeed her baby and she advised me to have lots of duvet days with my baby where we had skin to skin contact to stimulate my milk flow. I remember thinking, “right, and what about my other two kids?....who will be looking after them?” Also I thought if after doing all those skin to skin days this woman was still having trouble breastfeeding, what hope was there for me?! I thought she was a lovely mum for wanting to do the best for her baby but I wanted to tell her to chill. I wanted to tell her that it was ok to give her baby formula. He would be fine. I wanted to tell her to stop obsessing about it. I realized I needed to say these things to myself.

I felt like myself again

After I came back from that group I tried using the weird lactation aid, I tried another week or so of using the breastpump but I started to phase it out. I immediately started to feel like myself again. I could actually leave the house again with a couple of formula bottles in my changing bag. Yes I felt weirdly ashamed of using those bottles in public at first because I felt I wasn’t “a good mum” but I got over that and accepted that I’d had a good go at it and was doing my best to keep my baby healthy. It was like one of my sisters said when I cried to her on the phone about finding it difficult to breastfeed, “Not every woman can breastfeed. In the olden days they had wet nurses or their babies just died. Now just get over it and use formula”. You can always rely on family to tell it like it is 😊