Seeing the flip side

My first entry.

I'm 42, a mom to a 2.5 year old girl and a wife.

I have social anxiety among other anxiety ailments. I worry a lot. But yet, I decided to give up all meds (Lexapro and Clonopin) about 5 months ago to see if there is a flip side to sitting with my feelings instead of medicating them away. It's been really hard. But, I feel that the only way I can transform and divert myself from the path to insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results) is to simply deal with my issues. And I have no other choice but to do this if I want any chance of being a decent role model for my daughter Katherine.

One of the biggest struggles I'm dealing with as of late is dealing with my daughter's social timidity. Because I have social anxiety, every time I see her cling to me instead of playing by herself or with other kids, I begin to get anxiety. I know this is a vicious pattern and it has to stop. Many times I am successful at keeping myself calm and tenderly and kindly pushing my daughter to speak and play with other kids. I lead the way by showing her how it's done. But today I failed. I let my ego get in the way. I let the image of how I wanted her to be, a "normal" kid, take over and overrule my love for her. This happened at our local library where there is a small play area for kids. Katherine clung to me for an hour. She was more clingy than usual probably because she was overwhelmed or tired or hungry. Or maybe she was just anxious. Who could blame her? I'm almost always anxious. I pushed her away. I told her to give me some space and play with the other kids or by herself, that I can't play with her all the time and she needs to learn how to play with others or by herself. Yes, I fucked up. I pushed her away when I should have been tender and loving. I should have been patient and calm or at least I should have not directed my anxiety to her.

Here's the thing about anxiety - it underlies every bad decision and regret in my life. Under anger, guilt, shame, analysis, ruminating, judgement, giving up, giving in, anxiety is always the culprit. But I am practicing awareness. When this ugly demon rears it head, I am able to stand further and further back and I know that eventually I will be able to just simply observe it and watch it blow away like a gust of wind. Holly Golightly (Breakfast at Tiffany's) called it "the mean reds." That's when she would go to Tiffany's. Tiffany's always calmed her down. There is an inner Tiffany's inside me and every person. It's the light that never goes out, the light in the jewel of the heart. Imagining there is a shiny sparkling bright jewel in the center of my heart gives me a sense of peace. This jewel in my heart is my spirit, my soul, the majestic miracle of existence. Just like the stars, it flickers and illuminates the cavernous dark moments so that we can continue to see our path, our journey.

So my ugly anxious reaction toward my little girl was not in vain. I have used to deepen my connection with the jewel in my heart. I can forgive myself. I can learn. I can love more deeply. I am grateful.