The Importance of Spending individual time with your Children and How it Changed my Life
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
~Catherine Wallace
I found myself falling into a rut as a mom where I was more worried about making sure that everyone was always getting the same so everyone felt equal. This led me to always putting the children into the same activities and always making sure family outings were appropriate for everyone in the family. Then recently I had an epiphany, it seems odd that it took me this long to figure out that as individuals we all need time alone and we all need to do things that are geared only to us sometimes.
I love all my children fiercely but I find when I am out with all four of them at once I have a constant struggle to try and make sure that I don’t miss out - that I don’t miss a “Hey Mommy! Look at me moment” and also feeling very guilty to think about leaving some at home because it wouldn’t be fair. My DH suggested that it might be cool if everyone had their own day of the week and I shrugged it off for several months but it was still there constantly in the back of my mind.
Spending time with each child may be difficult when you have multiple children and your time is being pulled in a million directions . You don’t need to spend every day all day staring into your children’s eyes telling them they are perfect but it’s good to find easy ways to make it happen so it doesn’t fall through the cracks.
As my children get older their needs and interests are so varied that a one size fits all activity doesn’t work all the time. So I thought I would adopt my DH’s idea of having a day for each child with an activity that suited their likes, dislikes, allergies, and abilities. What I got was so much more!!! I got to spend time one on one getting to know these amazing individuals outside out family unit. I got to completely focus all my energy on them and didn’t have to worry about missing a single second - a single amazing thing or amazing statement this person wanted to make. You get to be best friends with someone by spending a lot of time together, and much of that time will be alone. It will be the same with your children. Group dynamics are different from one-on-one dynamics, and when you are alone with one child they will have your undivided attention. They’ll also share things with you they wouldn’t share in a group. When you are alone with your child nobody is competing for the attention of one person so its a really great chance to strengthen your relationship with your child.
Children will feel less need to act out for attention. Traditionally whenever I compliment one child the others automatically want the same compliment because children desire admiration and love from their parents. Spending time alone with fill up their need for love and they will feel less of a need to act out and fight for our attention. Also shy children who may blend into a group dynamic having time alone will show them that you are willing to take the time it takes to help them to deal with the world around them.
Depending on your schedule a whole day every week might not be something you able to set aside If you spend a Saturday with one child every month this is a great time to go and do whatever is on their heart. Does your daughter love to climb? Why not take her climbing or to a park specifically oriented to his current phase? This will particularly be special for them because you two being alone means no one else is around to say his idea isn’t great. Every child is unique and this time to really embrace their individuality and it will help them have the confidence to take safe risks when they are in their element.
How can you get one on one time in on a daily basis with your children?
Have one child per night help you cook dinner.
When possible, run errands with one child at a time.
Take walks around your neighbourhood or on a local nature path
Go for a bike ride
Go to the park for a 1/2 hour after dinner
Join them for one of their interests (sports, dance, library, art class.)
Do your household chores together.
Read books together.
Do home projects together. You likely need the help and its a good skill for them to have as an adult
Play their favourite game. (board game, outdoor game, console game)
Help them with their homework
Take them to run errands individually and let them select a healthy snack to share with their siblings when you return home
Help them with an individual craft project or make their favourite cookies.
It can be hard sometimes to set aside time, and it can be helpful to post it on your calendar or put a reminder on your phone. Remember you are making memories to last a lifetime and anytime that you can give your child you undivided attention, you are filling their memory with love and leaving an indelible mark upon their hearts.